A month, a whole freaking month went by and I’ve done a whole lot of nothing. Well, actually I have been trying to plan a wedding., and I’m pretty close to becoming Bridezilla. I found my dream wedding dress, and when they say that you will know when it’s the one, they were right. I must have tried on over 3o dresses, and all were really pretty and I did like them, but when I tried this one on I cried. I love it. I want to wear it everyday! Also, did you know that you can buy a Wedding Dress off Ebay for $100? Nice ones too! Crazy, eh!?
G and I are planning a Stag and Doe. We are going to sell tickets and all proceeds will go to buy a new TV for the General’s Radiation Center waiting room. They have a old, fuzzy, crappy TV and so many people watch it while they wait up to and over an hour sometimes. I think a new one would be appreciated, but I really do want to celebrate the fact that I’m getting married. Who would have ever thunk it? !
So yesterday I talked to a woman from Long Term Disability. They are still working on my claim and they told me that they need more information from my Oncologist (which has already filled out all the paperwork, what else would they want?). I was really upset yesterday because she told me IF I get approved I won’t be receiving any money until May 25th because of the 180 day waiting period (my claim started in June!) I don’t get any back pay either. I find this CRAZY as I’ve been paying into LTD since I started work over 5 years ago! I want to go back to work and have talked to HR about staring back April 1st. HR was great but encouraged me to start back half-time and said that they needed a doctor note to make sure that it’s alright to go back. He laughed and said that he was surprised I hadn’t talked to my Oncologist about returning to work before contacting him, I told him that I’m just that eager… I also just really need the paycheck.
I‘m feeling better, but still VERY tired and have muscle pains and flu symptoms after the Herceptin but the symptoms don’t last too long (a week or so). I started taking Tamoxifen this month and these symptoms are not so bad, mostly hot flashes (especially at night!). I also fly off the handle easily, but maybe that’s just bitchiness in my old age 😛 Poor G!
Last week I rang a bell. I had never in my life been so excited to do this but it happened and I cried. I got dressed up, in my most favourite dress and boots, and when it was time I hit that stupid bell over and over again. It meant the closure of this part of my life. Radiation is done. Done forever I pray and I’ve never been happier!
I’m a control freak. I admit it. And the first step to overcoming it, is recognizing it. I am not Obsessive Compulsive, well not in it’s true diagnoses. I think everybody has a little OCD, or others more, inside of them and that is what makes their personality. My ‘control’ issues is regarding people. And no, I am not locking people up, making them wear tutu’s and making them dance and serve me wonderful meals (although that would be phenomenal) Mine is more regarding my think processors. I have to relinquish control, and recognize that not everybody thinks like me.
It sounds simple. It really does, and while writing this I feel somewhat foolish. But that is my issue, and when I look around I can see that it is others as well (or uh oh maybe I’m again just thinking for them???) Like I’ve written before, I like to plan ahead and dreams of things to come. I do this everyday, in mostly every situation. I analyze,, I implement and I follow up. I have to know all my options before I make a decision. Ok, so that sounds all fine and dandy doesn’t it? Well, no actually because where my problems lies is not everybody is like me. They haven’t had the same life experiences. So when I make my decisions or process circumstances or situations around me I can use my own ‘history’ per say but when others are involved I must recognize that they may do things differently because of their own life experiences.
I like to put myself in others shoes. I like to empathize with them, and help problem solve. But I get frustrated and upset when I can see options a mile away and the other is oblivious. My answers, or solutions in my mind are perfect because that is how ‘I’ would solve it. But, I messed up along the way. When I put myself in their shoes, I put my whole self….my whole life experiences and wisdom and I pushed theirs out. That’s pretty shitty, but at least now that I know I do this then I can correct it.
G says that is why I get so involved in movies, or TV shows. I find a person who I feel I’m most like, or who I can I relate the most to and I put myself in that situation. I essentially project myself inside of them. Pretty weird really, but a great way to feel a part of the show.
So what do I do from here? How can I help myself? Well, there are two parts to working with others. You can have empathy toward them (which I have loads of) or you can look at their situation objectively. We must be cognizant that in the end we cannot control how other people act or think, but we can try to understand them and how they got to where they are.
Relinquishing this ‘control’ is hard for me. I really want everybody to be happy, and to see life as beautiful but short. I want so much for people, but must realize that people must want for themselves. The best way to help is by understanding. and this should be done without emotion and the cloud of personal bias. I can control my own life, my own outcomes and with others I must learn to be ok with just loving and supporting them through theirs.
ORIGINAL ABSTRACT BREAST PAINTING by MARCEY HAWK “Painted using only my breasts (size 34D and natural)”
Tuesday was my first day of post tumor radiation and I was feeling sick. Awful really, with a horrible migraine and the flu. I was brought to a new radiation area, and was told by the radiologist that the process is basically the same and that I could still change into the robe before going in. Well…when I first had my radiation ‘interview’ the woman told me that most of the ladies don’t bother changing into a robe and just wear a baggy sweater or such and take it of in the room so for the past month that is what I’ve been doing. So I told her, “nah, I’m not wearing a bra and I’m a quick change”. And I pulled off my shirt and blocked my chest and got ready. I left my wig and toque on. So I laid down and a radiologists drew a large circle around my scar and marked the scar it with an X. All in dark green permanent marker. My breast is a work of art. Maybe now more abstract than realistic.
After the radiation was done, I was in a hurry to get home and go back to bed. I started to sit up and the radiologist students startled and said “oh no, don’t give me a heart-attack. You can’t move until the bed is down” So I lay back down but my wig or hat or whatever got tangled and off it flew. I didn’t really notice it, but the look on her face kind of clued me in. So I dropped my sweater that was hiding my breasts and grabbed my wig and made some ridiculous comment like “oops, lost my head”. Normally I would have been mortified but then I figured my hair is growing back, and I should be proud even if it is patchy and weird looking so I got into my clothes and left the hospital topless. And by topless, I mean head wise and it felt wonderful.
So busy! Radiation is going as well as it should, but my breast is red, sore and itchy. I still hate it (the rads not my breast!) but full breast radiation ends Monday and then on to high strength, tumor area, target radiation (I am sure there is an actual name for that but that what I call it) I love my surgeon, he did such an amazing job and the scars are minimal and mostly hidden. I also love my breasts and my still blue areola, it makes me feel like part Smurf. I’m happy that I kept them, even after they tried to kill me.
Yesterday, was a long day and I’m still recovering from it. I had Radiation at 10, and met with my Oncologist and then my Herceptin infusion. I use to like my meetings, now I dread them. Recently they have been awkward, and yesterday was a fine example. He asked me how the Radiation has been treating me, I told him fine and just said that my breast was red and a little sore. He is quiet and doesn’t say much so I feel like I have to talk or ask questions or really just break the silence and weird eye contact. I use to find his accent cute but now I don’t as I’m having a hard time understanding him. G doesn’t help, as he has NO clue what he’s saying so half the time we all just stare at each other. So he asked me how my breast was and then asked how the scar was. I told him it’s alright. He then asked to see it. I felt weird, awkward and wasn’t sure what he wanted me to do as I was fully clothed and we were all just sitting around. So I just popped my boob out and showed him (and the student who I never was introduced and didn’t say one word to me…) Dr. C looked at it from across the room, and the student silently looked at it, and finally the doctor said “oh good, looks like everything is going as they should. I see no problems or issues here” I wasn’t expecting applause or anything (but it would have been appreciated) but I guess I wanted more explanation or a little bit of warmth or something, just anything to take away strangeness of it all, but that was that and so I plopped my breast back into my shirt and away we went.
As we were walking to the Chemo ward for my Herceptin I told G that I was worried about the next step radiation and scared that my scar would break/tear apart. He told me that was crazy talk and that scar tissue was more durable. I still don’t really believe him as I read on forums of other ladies whose mastectomy scars broke apart and basically exploded during Radiation. Gross I know, but now you know where my fear lies.
After Herceptin, G and I went to Cora’s for lunch. We ordered, and during the wait for our food G complained of a sharp pain in his side. He left the table to walk it off and the food came. I then got a call from him, he was in the car and said that we had to go to the hospital. He was feeling faint and in the most pain he has ever had. I paid the bill quickly and back to the hospital we went. I dropped him off in Emergency and then went to park the car. When I returned he was in sitting in the waiting room, all pale and sick looking, hunched over groaning in agony. It was horrible. I talked the receptionist and told her that something was seriously wrong, and asked if G can be seen right away. She complied and brought him in and a nurse set up an IV and gave him a pain killer. She told us that it was most likely a kidney stone and that he will need a CT scan. In the meantime we were set up in the Observation area and waited 6 hours for the scan. G got high on Morphine and Dilatin while I read to him and played Jetpack Joyride. The nurses were amazing, and said that the pain from Kidney stones are comparable and sometimes worse than Child Birth, oh my! When he finally got the scan, it turned out to be a 3mm stone and close to the bladder. The doctor said that it may take up to 2 weeks for it to pass! Poor G, he’s not looking forward to his ‘stone’ baby.
All is good today. We are both very tired after our 12 hour day at the hospital but G is feeling better and that is all that counts! Many thanks to both our family and friends who were kind and supportive through this ordeal. Love you guys!!!
“We can prevent breast cancer recurrence. It is a substantial statement to be able to decrease a recurrence rate by 50%” Dr. George Peoples.
These are very powerful words and I’m looking forward to this one day soon being available to everyone. I’m really hoping that they pass all the clinical tests! Recurrence is a giant fear, can you imagine if this fear disappears? Wowzers!
My hair is growing back! This is making me SO happy! It is growing back a little darker than I wanted and in patches, but it is growing! It feels very fuzzy now, and I can’t stop running my hands over my scalp and reciting ‘Fuzzy Wuzzy was a Bear’.
I started Radiation Therapy mid December and I’m not liking it one bit. It doesn’t hurt or anything, and I just have to lie still for about 15 minutes but there is something about it that I just really dislike, more than Chemo actually. I think it is because I over think what it is doing to my body, and I’ve read so much about its effects. I’ll be happy to have it over with. Today I had the biggest urge to sit up and runaway during it. I’m not stupid enough to do this but I did think about it.
Talking about thoughts, I wanted to write a little about sadness. I’m not going to call it depression because I feel that people can be sad and lonely without being depressed. I guess it really boils down to how people cope and the strategies they have to help them through stressful times. One of the strategies that I know has helped me is write down what I want to achieve or where I want to be in a few years. I think this, focus on it, and dream away. We perceive things differently, situations and circumstances. I could see my cancer as negative or I could see it as a positive. I CHOOSE to see it as a positive. It has brought my family and friends closer together and has given me the insight into others who are going through difficult times. I believe it is how we view things and this is one thing that we have power over.
I just watched this episode of ‘Canada’s Worst Driver’ and they gave the perfect example. The drivers were navigating a course at high speeds and kept spinning out. They needed to look on where they wanted to go; the best drivers look at the apex of the turn and visualized their successful navigation through the corners and the worst focus on obstacles they don’t want to hit. And guess where each one ended up? The better ones completed the task and the worst ones hit the obstacles they focused on, whether it was a wall, a curb or a cardboard person. You always obtain what you focus on, if that happens to be a negative thing than that’s where unfortunately you end up. And remember, when you start sliding this winter don’t panic and focus on the ditch in front of you but rather the empty space where you want to end up safely. It’s good to become self-aware of what we focus on, so that we can end up where we truly want to be.
Yesterday marked my 6 month anniversary of having breast cancer. Well formally I should add. I’ve had a few people ask how I found it and realized that I’ve never written about the days before my diagnosis. So here goes…
I never use to do daily breast exams, I would mostly check them every few days or once a week or just when I thought of it. It would make me feel uncomfortable and nervous when I did them and I always thought that since my breasts (and I guess all breasts in general) are lumpy I would never be able to tell if I did find a lump. Well, I was wrong. I was in the shower when I found my lump. I remember reading or hearing about that being the best place to do your exam, and so mostly would check when I soaped up. So I felt something different, but it wasn’t huge and I couldn’t feel it if I pressed hard. It felt like a small pea, just under my skin and near where my underwire (of my bra) would be. I was concerned, but was also concerned over a small bump near the bridge of my nose. I showed G both, he had a hard time finding the lump on by breast, like I said you had to feel the skin very lightly and it was small. But I could feel it, and it was different. I had a bad feeling about it.
I made an appointment with my doctor right away and went it the next day. He was not concerned. He said it was most likely from my underwire and told me not to worry. He was a little wary over the bump on my nose as he had no idea what it could be so he sent me in for x-rays. He told me return in a month and he would check things again. It was a hard month for me, I got more and more concerned over the lump but tried to reassure myself. I went in for the x-ray and went back to the doctor. The x-ray results were good but very weird. I had jaw surgery over 10 years ago, and the bump I could feel was the screw from the surgery. I was and still very grossed out by that. I guess I’m sorta like Frankenstein! Grody! We talked more about the lump, and I pressed him again to get it checked out, he reassured me (again) that it was most likely nothing as I was so young and that it was small but he went ahead and booked me a mammogram.
The day of the mammogram was one of the worst days of my life. I went there for 8 (I had told work that I was going to be a little late but should be there for 9am) I was nervous, but surprisingly not very much and just kind of wanted to get it over and done with. I reassured myself time and again that it was nothing so I was beginning to believe it. I even told G not to come with me, I was just going to be in and out. Now, I know differently and I never want anybody to be alone in this situation so please bring someone with you if you find a lump. I never want anybody to have to go through what I did alone.
So, I got changed and sat in this little waiting area with a handful of other nervous looking women and my named was called and I was brought in for an ultrasound first, they told me they usually do the mammogram first but there was a delay. There were 2 ladies doing the ultrasound and I pointed out where the lump was and they began. They saw the lump on the machine and started talking to one another “do you see that?” “oh wow look at that Aura!” I asked them if everything was alright, as they were talking amongst themselves and they looked at me kind of like remembering I was still there. “ummm yes, we are just going to get someone else in here to help read this”. So one lady left, and the other remained silent, and I just lay there worried. Two other people returned, and introduced themselves, and they kept talking and ultrasounding. I remember laughing nervously because there were so many people talking and looking, but no-one was talking with me and one lady looked down at me and asked if I was ticklish. I lied and said yes. They continued pointing to the the screen and talking amongst themselves, and I started to cry. One of the doctors, finally recognizing me, asked if I had any questions and I asked the first thing that came to my head and I felt was the most important “Am I going to die?” and she said “no, we are going to take care of you.” And that was that, they didn’t tell me anything else and whisked me off to get a mammogram. Right after the mammogram they told me I had to stay, and put me in a small room. They told me they needed to get a hold of the surgeon to book an appointment. I remember I asked so many times if I had cancer and was told nothing other than ‘we found something suspicious and can’t tell you more’. I was told I was to have a biopsy for the lump and my lymph nodes. I waited over an hour by myself in that room. I called work to say I wasn’t coming in, I called my sister to ask about my grandmother who had cancer and to find out if other relatives had cancer. I filled out forms after forms but had no answers and was so confused, nervous and scared. It was horrible. They finally got a hold of Dr. L (the surgeon) and booked an appointment for June 15. I remember asking why I needed an appointment with a surgeon if they didn’t know it was cancer and was just told it was a formality. Now, I know they knew it was cancer from the beginning. The nurse told me on the 15th that they knew all along, but they needed it to be confirmed 100% before telling me.
My experiences post mammogram were great, everyone was polite and very professional. I did complain to the manager of the Breast Clinic about how unprofessional the workers were and she reassured me she would have a meeting with them. I hope for other patients sake, she did.
I know that this post is very long winded. Thank you for reading, and making it this far! I do actually have a point in writing all this but I needed to explain my situation before getting to the reason I’m writing about this.
The point is, we are the only advocate that will totally fight for what we personally need. We know our bodies, we can feel if something is not right, if something feels different or out of place. Call it intuition. If I had taken my doctor to his word, not to worry about it than I might not have pushed to get a mammogram. My prognosis would be very different. I’ve heard many stories like this, and the stories have happy endings ONLY because the people involved pushed to get the tests they needed and saw many, many different doctors and therapists. They did not drop the ball on themselves and are here only because they advocated for themselves. Trust your body and trust yourself, it’s only your life to lose and that is the most important thing of all.
It’s been a while since my last post. I wish I could say that I was gallivanting around the town, riding hippos and granting wishes but alas I was mostly house bound. My last Chemo round really hit me hard, and I’ve been mostly recouping from that. I had a few too many glasses of wine the other night (yes Mom I can have wine during Chemo, but usually only a glass 🙂 ) and during this intoxicated state had a long conversation with G. I was worried that he found me lazy. I’ve been mostly doing a lot of nothing and when I do do stuff, I get SO tired. Most of my days are spent in a daze, kind of a sleepy, pillow over the head feeling. I have so many plans, ‘I’m going to clean the house from top to bottom’ but have SO much trouble doing it. I feel guilty because so many people going through this are throwing up all the time and my only issues are gastrointestinal and tiredness. I’ve read about woman who are going through it and their houses are spotless. Mine is far from it, but I did manage to get most of my Christmas decorations up! Hooray for small accomplishments!
Oh yes, back to my drunken conversation with G. So I cried and told him that I felt guilty. He laughed. Yes, what a bastard. Just kidding, we all know he’s wonderful. But while laughing he reassured me that the Chemo affects everyone differently. He told me that I can blame my horrible laziness on the Chemo! So nothing is getting done today, other than beat my score (and everyone elses’s) on Bejeweled and the horrible addictive bubble popping game Bubble Witch! It’s a hard life 😉 Well, I’m actually feeling a lot better today, I feel less cloudy and will probably get a lot of work done that I’ve been putting off. I need to start my jewelry making again, I had SO much trouble making the one bracelet (my hands were shaking so much) and after it was completed it broke. Sadness. So I haven’t tried again. I haven’t really even wanted to. Now I do!
I have a meeting this Friday coming up with my super cute, french from France, Oncologist regarding radiation. I’m unsure if I’m going to start right away in December or delay it ’till January because of the holidays. I kind of want to get everything over with so I can start fresh in the New Year with only Herceptin and Tamoxifen to worry about. I guess only time will tell!
Where is the time going? I can’t get over that it is November already! G and I have been so busy lately, well G mostly. We are in the midst of renovating the kitchen and the garage. The roof needed to be replaced on the garage, and of course when he took some apart he realized that the walls needed to be done too. A huge undertaking but G is amazing and is doing it all himself, well, with help from friends.
I am always taken aback by the true selflessness and selfishness of some people. Luckily, I am surrounded by amazing people, people that will give you their time and assistance without asking for much or anything in return. We live in such a want and reward society, and people usually won’t do anything unless they are getting something back or ‘look’ better by doing it. G’s undertaking, the garage and the kitchen, is overwhelming. He works his accounting job and than returns to either work on the roof or the cabinets. Some of G’s friends, even though they work long hours doing physical jobs take time at the end of the day or the weekend to help him. Last Saturday, for instance, G and I awoke to hammering around 8:30am and realized that D had come over and had already gotten started on the garage siding! How amazing is that? I can’t tell you how much G appreciates the help and I can see, when the boys are over, how much they bond and actually enjoy the time spent together. It makes me happy to realize that there are still good people out there, good friends that will help someone in need, will give their time and effort just for that, and without asking for anything in return.
I figure we need more D’s. We need to become less selfish. What are we so busy doing anyways? And doesn’t it feel amazing to help someone else, as little as the help can be? I am the luckiest, I’ve been surrounded by people who love and support me. I even have a friend who sends me beautiful, amazing cards all the time just because she likes giving them and she knows it will make me feel good. She is an Angel, and I am so thankful that she is in my life. I just need to remember this, after this Cancer is past me, that I can be that person, that Angel to someone. We all have that ability, and you never know, sometimes it’s that little something (like that beautiful card) that will shape someone’s day or even week and their positive energy will shape someone elses day and so on and so forth. A positive, spiraling whirlwind of happiness, now doesn’t that sound fabulous?
I’ve always had trouble with saying the right things to people when they are either sick, have family that is or had someone close to them pass away. I usually say how sorry I am and hope that they get better soon and or something in those lines. I always feel awkward and end up replaying what I have said over and over in my head hoping it was alright. That being said, I understand that others don’t know what to say to me.
I’ve been getting a lot of how lucky I am. I know I’ve written about this before, but I’m doing it again because I really want to stress how ‘unlucky’ I feel and how upset it makes me. Lucky usually means something good, and there is nothing, NOTHING good about cancer. The only thing that is remotely good about it is the ‘awaking’ part…but I’m sure not everybody who battles cancer reacts the same way that I have. I know I’m being quite bitchy, but I know that before I had it I would not know how to react or what to say to someone. The biggest thing that has been happening a lot recently with new people is that they bring up people they know who have died from cancer. I usually say “wow, that’s really sad” and move the conversation away from the topic. It upsets me, I know that a lot of people die from cancer but that is also my fear and as much as I care I don’t really want to know that your sister has been battling breast cancer for 10 years and now is giving up and dying or that your great aunt died of breast cancer or your step mom had a terrible time of it and it ended up coming back in her lungs and she died. Having said that, mostly everybody I meet and ALL my friends and family know exactly what to say and always say something that makes me feel better.
I’ve been feeling really rough lately, and a little depressed. Next week is my last Chemo round and I’m feeling scared and anxious about it working. I understand that this fear is not rational but I am just really very worried. I am happy that this is my last Chemo round but I still have 17 more rounds of Herceptin every 3 weeks, and a full month of radiation everyday. Herceptin scares me, the major side effect is cold and flu symptoms which I can definitely handle (hmmmm….maybe I don’t have a cold now and it’s just the side effects?) but it also can hurt the heart which concerns me. I get my heart checked every 3 months because of this which should help with my anxiety.
I know this experience has made me stronger. It is defiantly a part of my life (hopefully a small part) that I will never forget. I have talked to other ‘survivors’ and that is one question that I always ask. Will I always be afraid? The answer is always the same. Yes and No. The fear will slowly diminish, but I will never take my health for granted. I am SO thankful for all the support I’ve received and still so amazed with all the love that people have. You are ALL so amazing and wonderful, I hope you all realize this because this is the absolute truth. I think this is easier to forget (which is so very sad) how important you are to someone, how just a little love and support goes so far. Everybody deserves a huge pat on the back, a great meal and a giant hug! I can’t say thank you enough!
G has another ‘lady’ in his life. We started off good, but then when she realized I was staying she turned bitchy. She use to sleep in the other spare room but when I moved in she wanted our bed. Well, to sleep on my side to be exact. She follows him everywhere, even goes to work with him! Now she has taken over my island (my part of the couch) and won’t give it back. And she snaps and snarls. She is Cracker of course, G’s dog, and she is getting mean in her old age.
We argue almost every night. She never use to sleep with G, the spare room use to called ‘Crackers room’ because that’s where she goes for her nights. Not anymore, now she sleeps full out on my side of the bed. We argue, I try to move her, she growls and snaps. I get fed up, G makes a comment ‘my girls are fighting again, can’t you two just get along?’ and I usually end up sleeping curled up around her. She is one tough chic!
I know this may sound crazy, and of course we have already established that I am, but I think Cracker understands English. No I mean REALLY understands. It’s scary and I end up feeling bad if I say something mean to her cause she has the saddest sulk and looks at G like I burned her puppies. She watches tv, her favourite show is Wilfred (one of my favouties as well!) I talk to her, yes normally like she’s a person not a child. Not that a child isn’t a person. Sheesh hopefully one day this won’t hamper any adoption procedures! She listens, well I think she does and most of the time understands. But, she doesn’t understand sarcasm. I keep discovering this and end up feeling awful. Sometimes she’ll come into the bedroom, and I’ll say “I’m sorry Cracker you stink too bad to be in here, you must sleep downstairs” and she’ll give me the saddest look and turn around and go downstairs. My calling her to apologize doesn’t work (she isn’t smart enough to use the phone 😉 and her pouting is usually long and painful.
I love her. I really do, she is the best, smartest dog ever! Even through all our ‘issues’ I could not ask for a better one. I am so thankful for the animals in my life, I can’t imagine a life without them. They bring so much joy to my days, and warmth to my heart (and lap!!) Life would be one miserable existence without pets. So thank your pets today, give them an extra treat, let them sleep on your chest a little extra longer, and go for a long fun walk. Pamper them, appreciate them, and love them more each day!
If You Can? author unknown
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can e at the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can forgive a friend’s lack of consideration,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when,
no fault of yours,something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend’s limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have not prejudice
against creed or color, religion or politics,
Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your DOG.
Almost, but not quite.
It’s been a hard week. I had my usual, pre-chemo 3 week meeting with another oncologist this past Wednesday because my usual one was on rounds yet again. As she was checking my body, mostly my glands and breasts she casually mentioned if I have thought having my ovaries removed. I didn’t know what she meant, and told her that no one has yet mentioned this and asked her why would I have them removed. She told me that since my estrogen levels were high, that it would mean I would most likely be put on Lupron (the menopause drug that lowers my estrogen) until I go naturally into menopause (I guess when I’m mid 50s?!). We talked a little more about having children post Chemo and was told again that it is risky because it will increase my estrogen levels. She said that I can talk more about this later with my Dr. S (my actual Oncologist)
Argh. I’m so frustrated and sad. When I got home I researched the ovary removal and Lupron shots. With the removal I will be fully menauposal, and it is not reversible. So, I think I will be sticking with the Lupron. I just HATE it when doctors drop this type of bomb, my last meeting, one doctor kept telling my that if she was me she would have the full double masectomy. The other doctor basically told her to shut up (not in those terms) and said that we will discuss that at a later time.
Other than this, the treatment went well. I was there from 8:15 to about 3:30pm. It was my first Herceptin IV, and that took about 2 and a 1/2 hours because I had chest pains so the nurse turned it off for a bit, called Dr. S and gave me some drugs. I felt better and we started again. I’m happy that I have only 1 round left of Chemo, but sad that I have 17 more rounds of Herceptin and a month of radiation every day. I’m feeling a bit depressed, and scared. I’m worried about the cancer recurring, and I don’t want to be menopausal for 20 more years. I hate these hot flashes and my mood swings!
I do understand that these drugs are saving my life, and this is much better than the alternative (death) but it is just so much to think about and it kind of freaks me out. I guess I just need to take it one day at a time, and keep my chin up. I have some side effects but I’m lucky compared to others that I have talked to. I’m strong and will make it through this. I just need more information to make the best decisions.
I keep having ‘what if’ moments. What if the Chemo doesn’t work? What if I hadn’t found the cancer? What if the cancer comes back? What if I can’t have children? What if, what if, what if… I think I’m driving G mad. I can’t stop thinking this though, and I’m sure everybody has many ‘what ifs’ in their life. I like to plan and find solutions in my head for all of my what ifs. I guess it helps brings the control somewhat back but I know I can really drive myself (and others) crazy with this. I know that I can’t change anything, and I know I am doing my best and have done just about everything so that these ‘what ifs’ never happen but I still get scared and nervous.
I guess it just makes me appreciate the present. I want to do stuff now. Man, I wish I could go on vacation. I want to go zip lining, I went before and it was a great time. I want to go snorkeling again. I will. I might go zip lining next week. Anybody want to come? I’ve had a wonderful past; I’ve met and been with the greatest people. I don’t have any regrets, isn’t that the most amazing thing to say? Everything that has happened to me, the people that were once in my life were all there for a reason, and I have made some fabulous memories. I want people to think back of times they laughed like crazy, and when they cried, and remember whom they were with and what they were feeling. Isn’t it great to reminisce? Doesn’t it feel good to know that you have lived? Things can get tough, but no one can take away those good feelings, those memories, and well…. that living. You make your present and YOU can alter your future. YOU are in charge of your memories. Isn’t that amazing to realize? I understand now that I have the power to change how my day is. Some days I just wake up and say, “this is a great day” and I do everything to make it be positive. Most of the time it’s not hard, it’s actually quite easy and I find that it usually gets better and better. When I’m happy, my day is happy and the people around are happy. I love that I have the power to shape my day. Now I’m working on having amazing memories to empower my future!
It’s official. I’m an ebay junkie, an addict to the ‘buy now’ button. I can’t stop buying wigs, hats and now beads. I’m going stir crazy, so I’m making bracelets, necklaces and bookmarks. I also bought a crotchet book and yarn to make my own hats. I’m not so good at teaching myself though, and my hands shake so it might take me awhile to make stuff but at least I’m having fun at it!
This chemo round has been a little rougher on me than the last one. I’m thinking it is because my immunity is down. I started with my white blood count at 10 and now it’s 5.5 (normal is 4.5 to 10.5), so it’s not really low but kind of low to start again. Good think I got my Neulasta shot. It’s crazy expensive, but it helps make more cells in my bone marrow which is very painful. I feel like an arthritic 90 year old! I’m also getting major hot flashes, stomach pains, and migrains. Poor G, I feel like I’m crazy at times, very emotional, bitchy, sore and just stupid. I get SO distracted and have a hard time focusing. Chemo brain I have, hopefully I’ll be back to normal after this is all done. My friends/family might think that I’ve always been a bit brain dead, kind of true, but now I’m worse! Yippee! 🙂
Ok enough of my complaining. Things are great otherwise and I’m starting a new cooking blog soon! I’ll begin by making copycat recipes from different restaurants and write about how each tastes. I’m pretty excited over this as there are so many wonderful and tasty recipes to choose from! Too bad my taste buds are off but G will be my Guinea Pig; hopefully, he’ll be fine with eating all my creations! 🙂
It’s only been a few days of being bald, but I must say that is all it took for me to adapt. I was very sad the first night and day after. Very sad. But than it hit me, it really is just hair! It is a small price to pay for my life. And really, losing my hair means that the Chemo is working! It is doing its job, and I really should be concentrating on that.
I like my wigs. I also love this weather, which is PERFECT for hats over wigs cause I am still not completely confident about my hair line. This weather is amazing! I love the cold breeze, and fresh air. G is flying his remote control plane a lot and now has a following. About 6 boys always run to the park and talk with us and are always just so excited to see G fly. It is so cute, they have recently been bringing their own wooden and paper planes to fly with him. G will make a great father one day!
G and I are watching a lot of documentaries recently, mostly from a series called ‘50 Documentaries to See Before You Die“. There are 5 episodes that summarize the top 50. I really recommend watching this series, and than choosing some docs to watch! Some really open your eyes to what is happening, new information, and what life is all about.
G shaved all my hair off yesterday after a great day of sporting a Mohawk. I can’t tell you I felt ‘liberated’ or happy for taking action into my hands or even relieved. It felt terrible. And sad. I’ve never felt like a cancer patient patient until the moment my head was shaved bald.
I’m having trouble looking at myself; I finally put a hat on (to sleep) because I didn’t want to wake up drowsy and scare myself, G or the animals. G says I’ll get use to it, that maybe even one day I’ll be happy to show off my bald look but right now I can’t. This through me for a loop, I guess I never really took my cancer that seriously until now. I don’t want to take it seriously, I don’t want to feel like a ‘cancer patient’.
I’m going to try to find ways to cope. I’m not happy with the bald look so I’m going to hide it with my amazing wigs, scarves and hats.
Hopefully they will stay on my head, and won’t go flying off and hit people like when I got my winter tires put on and the stupid garage mechanic didn’t screw in my hubcaps. I drove away and one by one they flew off my car and hit pedestrians walking down the sidewalk. I think it may be safer with the wigs, and well, much funnier.
Listen to the mustn’t, child,
listen to the don’ts,
listen to the shouldn’ts,
the impossibles, the won’ts,
listen to the never haves,
then listen close to me –
anything can happen, child.
Anything can be.
I’ve never really been a ‘hair’ girl. I mean, I’ve always liked my hair but I’ve never obsessed over it, until now. The past few days, it’s been falling out, but a few strands at a time. Normal like.
Well, until today. Today I would run my hands through it and come out with handfuls of hair. Totally gross, and every-time I would show it to G. “G, look at this! Shoot, it’s coming out”. He eventually told me I didn’t have to show him all the time, that he believed me. I might have grossed him out too.
It’s hard. I never thought I was shallow but losing my freaking hair is not easy. I’m happy though. My life is good and I bought wigs, and tons of hats. My head will never be cold.
G cut my hair tonight. The first of a few hair cuts. He did such a great job, I might even get him to be my special stylist après Chemo. If anybody wants a hair cut, and a few drinks come on over! G is super sexy, fun, and has a great pair of scissors! 🙂
To be honest, this Chemo experience has not been terrible. It has been manageable so far, and has made me comprehend even more how much life is so important and so fun. It makes me want to go out and live, love lots and experience everything that I can possible can/do. We take so much for granted, complain so much, expect so much, want so much. This makes me settle down, look back and just be satisfied with what I have. I want more, of course I do, I think everyone does (and should!) but I’m satisfied with what I have. I have big dreams. I want to love more, I want to experience more. I want to live more. And, I will.
Thank you Cancer for opening my eyes to what I have and what I can have and will have. I have my whole life to shape. I’m just getting started 🙂
Yesterday was a long day. Was at the dingy old cancer center at the Civic at 7am for my port-a-cath insertion. The nurses and surgean were all very kind and funny. My nurse was able to insert the IV in my arm on the first try! That was a huge accomplishment because it usually takes over 4 times. Phew! Super nurse extraordinaire!
The surgery went well, they had trouble putting the port under my skin, so they had to make a few incisions in a few different places (I got my bandages changed today, so I was able to see the gory results). I’m feeling a bit of pain today. They also had to leave the needle and stupid tubes in for a week. I feel and look bad enough with thick bandages and stitch-marks and now I also have many tubes hanging from my collar bone as well! Sorry if I grossing people out, maybe TMI?
My Chemo was scheduled for 12:30pm at the new beautiful Cancer Center at the General and I was seated around 1pm. I had a little crying fit break down, walking to my bed. The nurse was really friendly and G asked if I could have a sedative. She said that wasn’t a problem, but I declined. I told her I would get it together. I pictured Orderly’s running over with a giant needle and a straight jacket, but luckily I was able to calm myself. I was talked over each step, and was hooked up to a saline IV at first. Next came my Taxotere and my cold (ice) mitts and slippers I had to also put nail polish on and hand cream on. These steps are to help decrease the chance of me losing all my nails, I really hope it works. The mitts and slippers were SO cold and quite uncomfortable and stayed on for over and hour. I had to change them twice when they warmed up. After that was done, I was onto my my next cocktail (I wish it was a Cosmo) but alas, it was Cyclophosphamide. I can’t even pronounce it. The nurse warned me that if my nose started to run or if I got sinus pressure she would slow the drip down. That happened but with only 3 minutes left, so they gave me two Benadryl when I was leaving. I felt perfectly fine otherwise, no nauseousness just a little drowsy. The nurse recommended that G take me to the car in a wheelchair but I told her I was fine to walk. She looked doubtfull, I guess I must have looked like crap!
Today, I’ve been feeling good. No headaches and no nausea. I feel quite a bit of pain from my port, and water tastes like chalk which I must say is not something that is yummy but it has all been doable. I’m in great spirits, and am so thankful for all the love and well-wishes from everybody. I am constantly amazed with all this support. I can’t tell you all enough how much it means to me! Thank-you so much, I love and appreciate you all 🙂
2 more days. I’m getting nervous and scared. I’m worried about the port-a-cath. I’m getting it inserted on Thursday morning, at 7:00 and Chemo is scheduled for 12:30pm. I hate that I have these two scary things on the same day, only a few hours apart! I’m worried about getting sick and my port-a-cath hurting and possibly opening/bleeding. I also think that it is super gross. It really, truly is. They are putting it in through my jugular… yucky. I’ve been reading up on it too much it seems and the more I do the more scared I am. I suppose I may be TOO prepared.
G has been amazing. I’m already pre-menoposal, and my moods are shifting and I feel my bitchy side flying. I have horrible road rage and it’s not so good when I drive G’s new truck as it is massive and I sometimes want to hit things and people. If you see a black SUV on the road, G warns to stay far away. You will most likely be in the right but I’m menaposal…with cancer and soon chemo brain. Don’t worry, according to G, the only thing I’ll be driving is my bike and possible him crazy.
A month, a whole freaking month went by and I’ve done a whole lot of nothing. Well, actually I have been trying to plan a wedding., and I’m pretty close to becoming Bridezilla. I found my dream wedding dress, and when they say that you will know when it’s the one, they were right. I must have tried on over 3o dresses, and all were really pretty and I did like them, but when I tried this one on I cried. I love it. I want to wear it everyday! Also, did you know that you can buy a Wedding Dress off Ebay for $100? Nice ones too! Crazy, eh!?
So yesterday I talked to a woman from Long Term Disability. They are still working on my claim and they told me that they need more information from my Oncologist (which has already filled out all the paperwork, what else would they want?). I was really upset yesterday because she told me IF I get approved I won’t be receiving any money until May 25th because of the 180 day waiting period (my claim started in June!) I don’t get any back pay either. I find this CRAZY as I’ve been paying into LTD since I started work over 5 years ago! I want to go back to work and have talked to HR about staring back April 1st. HR was great but encouraged me to start back half-time and said that they needed a doctor note to make sure that it’s alright to go back. He laughed and said that he was surprised I hadn’t talked to my Oncologist about returning to work before contacting him, I told him that I’m just that eager… I also just really need the paycheck.
‘m feeling better, but still VERY tired and have muscle pains and flu symptoms after the Herceptin but the symptoms don’t last too long (a week or so). I started taking Tamoxifen this month and these symptoms are not so bad, mostly hot flashes (especially at night!). I also fly off the handle easily, but maybe that’s just bitchiness in my old age 😛 Poor G!
