I’ve never really thought that much about death and dying before cancer.  When I did think of it, it would make me sad and I would move on with my thoughts.  I think I was too afraid to really think about it, to make my mind go that way.  I’m lucky I suppose, I only know about a handful of people that have died, and although their deaths made me upset, they never really made me think.

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I complain a lot.  But mostly in my head.  I complain about cancer, the treatments, the pills, and the tests.  I like to work things out in my mind, think about things, worry and when all else fails and when I can’t handle it anymore then I talk with others or write it down.  I just got a whole bunch off appointments booked.  Another Echocardiogram, a Mammogram, blood work, Herceptin, and appointments with Oncologists.  The Echocardiogram hurts, they use an ultrasound wand to view my heart, but they have to press hard and sometimes between my ribs.  I’m a big baby I know, but I don’t look forward to this test.  I’ve been taking Tamoxifen pills for the last 2 months (this pill helps to keep my estrogen levels down) and recently been taking Effexor (an anti-depressant) to help alleviate my hot flashes.  I really hope this pill works because my hot-flashes have been terrible and keep me up at night.  I joked with my oncologist about  the anti-depressant, as I said it probably only makes you happy and so you forget or don’t worry about the stupid hot-flashes.  Well, whatever works!

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