I’ve never really thought that much about death and dying before cancer.  When I did think of it, it would make me sad and I would move on with my thoughts.  I think I was too afraid to really think about it, to make my mind go that way.  I’m lucky I suppose, I only know about a handful of people that have died, and although their deaths made me upset, they never really made me think.

Now it seems it is always on my mind.  I worry about it, and then I worry about thinking of it like that somehow me thinking of it will bring it closer.  It’s messed up.  I had my first mammogram post Chemo last Friday and was so scared.  I couldn’t sleep for weeks and had days that I just couldn’t stop crying.  G didn’t know what to do.  Eventually he just let me be, and that is what I needed.  I needed a day of release.  It was therapeutic.

I wonder if other people think about death, or if they are like me before cancer and don’t think about it too deeply.  I suppose it doesn’t matter.  I spend too much of my days in a daze, I guess waiting for the next part of my life to come.  I know I must concentrate on the present more, live in the present. But, really  I just want to be done treatment.   I’m sick of being so tired.  I’m sick of being afraid.  I’m tired of being sick.

I’ve never been a negative person, but lately I’ve been struggling to remain positive.  It seems that my treatment is never ending, the daily pills, the every 3 week infusions…  Just when I begin to feel better, the Herceptin makes me sick again.  My friends are having babies, and I really am SO happy for them.  I just want to move forward too.  I wish I could be pregnant with them.  I wish I didn’t have to wait.  I wish I never had cancer.  I know I must make the best of things, and be thankful for what I do have.  I have great friends, a loving family and an amazing fiance.  Also I should have little time to be depressed when I have a wedding to plan.  I must think good thoughts, change my mood and realize that this soon shall pass.  Only time…

I complain a lot.  But mostly in my head.  I complain about cancer, the treatments, the pills, and the tests.  I like to work things out in my mind, think about things, worry and when all else fails and when I can’t handle it anymore then I talk with others or write it down.  I just got a whole bunch off appointments booked.  Another Echocardiogram, a Mammogram, blood work, Herceptin, and appointments with Oncologists.  The Echocardiogram hurts, they use an ultrasound wand to view my heart, but they have to press hard and sometimes between my ribs.  I’m a big baby I know, but I don’t look forward to this test.  I’ve been taking Tamoxifen pills for the last 2 months (this pill helps to keep my estrogen levels down) and recently been taking Effexor (an anti-depressant) to help alleviate my hot flashes.  I really hope this pill works because my hot-flashes have been terrible and keep me up at night.  I joked with my oncologist about  the anti-depressant, as I said it probably only makes you happy and so you forget or don’t worry about the stupid hot-flashes.  Well, whatever works!

I'll just take the elevator!

My last appointment with Dr. S (my general Oncologist) we discussed (again) about starting a family.  I still haven’t got my mensies back (I know too much info…) and I’m worried that the Chemotherapy has put me in permanent menopause.  It’s funny, I’ve never wanted my period to come so badly but Dr. S said that as my doctor that she would be happy if it never returned.  I understand where she is coming from, as my cancer was made worse (or developed?) by  hormones, but it still makes me sad and scared.  Would I be better off if it never returns?  I guess I just have to wait and see, and continue down the path that I’m taking and try to keep avoiding any potholes and logs in my way.  And when the logs or weeds get to large and make it hard to keep going, I must remember there is always another way to continue on, I just have to look for it or even ask for help to get through or over it.   I’m finding, with time and patience, that there is no obstacle too challenging to overcome.