2 more days.  I’m getting nervous and scared.  I’m worried about the port-a-cath.  I’m getting it inserted on Thursday morning, at 7:00 and Chemo is scheduled for 12:30pm.  I hate that I have these two scary things on the same day, only a few hours apart!  I’m worried about getting sick and my port-a-cath hurting and possibly opening/bleeding.  I also think that it is super gross.  It really, truly is.  They are putting it in through my jugular… yucky.  I’ve been reading up on it too much it seems and the more I do the more scared I am.  I suppose I may be TOO prepared.

G has been amazing.  I’m already pre-menoposal, and my moods are shifting and I feel my bitchy side flying.  I have horrible road rage and it’s not so good when I drive G’s new truck as it is massive and I sometimes want to hit things and people.  If you see a black SUV on the road, G warns to stay far away.  You will most likely be in the right but I’m menaposal…with cancer and soon chemo brain.  Don’t worry, according to G, the only thing I’ll be driving is my bike and possible him crazy.

Can I be 13 again?  I need to only worry about grades and friendship, how things that use to be so huge in my life seem so stupid and mundane!  I’m feeling so overwhelmed.  Found out that my eggs are bad today, something about vacuoles .  The doctor said it was most likely because of the cancer tests (all that radiation and such) and my stress level.  It is so weird to feel completely healthy and normal but have doctors tell you that you are not.  He said, “just worry about getting healthy again”.  I felt like screaming, but I AM!  Of course I am not, Chemo is just a week away.  It’s hard to wait for the dreaded poison to be inserted into me.  To prepare for when I’m actually sick.   I do plan ahead, tell people “oh sorry, I can’t go to your birthday or go out, I’m going to go through Chemo that week and I don’t know how I’ll feel”.

Cancer sucks.  I’m actually not even sure how much it does yet, but I’m prepared for the worse.  I have many books and shows lined up and G, I hope, is prepared for the monster to rear its ugly head. Chemo and Menopause.  If we can get through this, we can get through anything that is thrown our way.

I just only wish the odds were more (or not?) in my favour.  I seem to be always the small percent.  I kind of want the odds not to be on my side anymore, I don’t want to be the 1 out of 1000 odds but the rest of the 999.  I won the wrong lottery it seems, and I just want to be go back to normal before the ‘win’

I am OK.  I break a little at time, but I know I can rebuild myself.  I have all the pieces to do that around me, my friends and family.  I am lucky.  I keep telling myself I am, and one day it will sink in fully.  I know,  but now it’s hard.  I’m going through a lot,  I keep dodging missiles it seems, but soon I’ll have a gun which will blow everything to smithereens.  I want my bazooka now; I’m ready for it!

For the past few days (this will be day 6 actually) I have been taking hormone injections and pills for IVF.  The injections have been going alright, a few minor mess ups such as dropping my $250 Puragon serum ( thank god it didn’t break),  forgetting to squeeze my stomach fat before and during the injection (big ouch!), and injecting the cat (just kidding). Tomorrow morning, I’ll be starting on a new injection (yay!) that will help release more eggs.  I had an ultrasound appointment today to make sure things are progressing.  The technician said that they will most likely not see any follicles, but alas they found 3!  She said this is a great start 🙂

My fertility doctor told me that my ovaries will grow to the size of large oranges by  next week.  Oranges!  They are normally the size of small apricots.  Goodness me!  She also said that I might feel slightly uncomfortable.  Slightly??? Are you kidding me, that is crazy!  After the appointment, I asked G if my ovaries can explode.  Kindly, with maybe a little eye-rolling, he reassured me that this cannot happen.  I understand this now, but I do worry that my ovaries (once the eggs are harvested) may not shrink back to normal size and they may be large, loose, flappy and floppy (like a deflated balloon).  G thinks I worry to much.  I talked to my mom about this and she thought that I thought that my eggs were going to be the size of oranges.  She must think me crazy!  I know that I’m not harvesting dinosaur eggs for goodness sake.  I just want to have my good looking, child sized ovaries back so I don’t have to get rid of my pink hummer 😉

A lot of things are brewing in the horizon but for now there are clear skies.

I’ve been the happiest ever these last two weeks, mostly because of fabulous family and friends. I’ve never really realized how important it is to have positive influences in my life, until now.

I have also realized that there are so many more good people than not. I’ve had trouble trusting people in the past, was weary of them and thought that some people meant more harm than good or that they were doing good things for selfish reasons. Wow, was I ever wrong and horribly judgmental. Our world is filled with amazing people. Loving people that will open their heart to you, if you only let them in. Now that I see people in a brighter light, I can understand human psychology better and I can grow into a much more enlightened human being.

I haven’t updated in a while, I’ve been trying to get a little bit of normality back into my life. Ignorance is bliss at times. I’ve decided to go ahead with the fertility treatments. With the support and advice from many specialists we will freeze embryos with the hope that some will survive the thaw and make us a baby when it is time. I will also be going into a early menopause (kind of like freezing my Uterus) so this may raise my chances of being fertile in the future. This is giving me hope, but I already feel stronger and understand that whatever happens, I am already better off.

I will start my hardy dose of Chemo Thursday, September 1st. I’m prepared for it, and already purchased some head scarves and wigs. I’ve read about some woman complaining that their families prefer them with their wigs rather than their actual hair. Can you imagine? I would hate for my family to say when my hair grows back if I could put my wig back on. But, I’m going to have fun with my baldness and treat every day like Halloween. Alright maybe not, but I am for sure getting a beehive hairdo like Marge Simpson. G thinks she’s one hot mama 😉

I am so itchy, I just want to scratch my stitches off but I can’t even get near them with these stupid bandages. Argh.  I found out two things, these past few days since my surgery.  I don’t do well with drugs and that G makes an amazing nurse.  He helped wash my hair and then changed my horribly disgusting bandages.  He watched over me when I was SO sick over the Oxycontin’s and he has fed me and comforted me.  Wow, he is so amazing!

My cat, BouBou keeps sleeping on me and sniffing me, which is kind of freaking me out but G says it’s because he smells the blood and senses my pain.  My other cat Hugo is still the same… wild and crazy.  He still stares at and tries to climb the walls, and attack imaginary objects or ghosts.  He runs around the house like he’s on fire and meows at the ceiling.  He wants my attention more when he sees BouBou getting love. But I love all my pets, well maybe not Jade the tarantula as much.  G says that I can cuddle with her too, but I always decline.  I wouldn’t want to smush her 😉

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how and why I have (had) cancer.  I know now that I’m going to change a lot of things that I did before.  No more plastic water bottles that is for sure.  I’m looking to buy a glass or stainless steel water jug for my water cooler but finding one in or around Ottawa is nearly impossible.  This one is perfect, but it is only available in Toronto http://www.cedarspringswater.ca/glass.php Can anyone recommend where else closer I can find one?  I’ve also decided that no more processed food for me, will try to eat hormone and antibiotic free meats, and really read and research the ingredients of all packaged foods . G and I were also talking about cutting down (to 1 or 2 times a month) on red meat.  I’ve been reading a friends blog who’s been through the same thing, and love the changes she has made and feel like I should (and could) do the same.  Natural toxin free cleaners, cosmetics, and real food. Why does it take something like this to make healthy choices?

I’m unsure if this will change anything related to my cancer as no one really knows entirely what causes it but I do know that these changes will benefit my health as well as G’s.  He is worried that I will go overboard and become obsessed.  I’m not.  I will just become more knowledgeable and there is nothing more powerful than that.

Yesterday was one of the longest and hardest days of my life.  G and I arrived at the hospital at 7am and l was released at 7pm.  12 hours, but I only remember 9 hours of it.

When we got there I was admitted almost immediately.  I was brought into the daycare unit (no, there were no toys or games sadly enough) and asked to take off my clothes, which were replaced with a beautiful evening gown aka hospital gown and overcoat.  G wanted me to steal it cause he thought it was incredibly sexy which I suppose means that I must go shopping for lingerie when this is all done.  That, or he likes the doctor/patient roll play games.  Anyways, I am getting sidetracked.  After changing, I was asked to make myself comfortable in the worlds most uncomfortable hospital bed, but they gave me heated blankets, which was a very thoughtful touch.  Around 8am I was wheeled (cause apparently patients walking around was forbidden) to get an ultrasound.  I thought the ultrasound was going to be easy and comfortable.  I thought wrong.  A very, very tall female doctor (they had to raise my bed up to full height and it was still not tall enough) numbed my breast, after marking out the tumor with a giant X, and inserted a long wire into it.  The freezing hurt a bit, but I could still feel the wire.  She apologized and said that sometimes that happens and froze me again.  This time was better, and I could only feel some pushing and pulling.  G asked me if I could keep the wire as a souvenir so he could make it into a ring, I was too embarrassed to ask for it, well that and too grossed out.  Can you imagine?  Someone saying what a beautiful ring you have, and me telling him or her it was homemade, and literally was close to my heart.   Grody.

With wire in tow, I was then brought to the x-ray station, where I had to do a mammogram.  Yes with the wire inside.  The technician was very kind, but we couldn’t get the right images so she had to retry a few times.  Good thing my breast was partly numb and that they didn’t squeeze it as much.  After this torture, I was brought to nuclear medicine.  I met with another technician who explained what was going to happen.  She was so nice!  G went down for coffee, and during that time I was brought into the radiative imaging room.  She asked me if I had wanted him to be there with me for the injection (of radioactive dye so that they could mark out my sentinel lymph nodes) and I said yes please.  She was so nice to wait on him for the procedure.   When he arrived back, she started the procedure, explaining everything as we went along.  The computers in the room looked like they were 20 years old, she admitted they were but they were no longer in use.  The imaging camera was from the 70’s (truly!) and she reassured us that it was only the case and that the guts were all replaced years ago with newer technology.  She told us that she likes the older ones better because they don’t break down as much and are made to last.  Just like old cars. G wanted to play on them but was told not to.  Good thing he had his iPad or we may have been kicked out!

After numbing my breast (a third time) she inserted some radioactive dye.  She told me that this might be very uncomfortable because they have to put in a lot.  It wasn’t at all as I hardly felt it.  I was then taken to the hallway to wait 30 minutes for the dye to travel to the nodes.  Usually they make you massage your breasts but with the wire in we had to just wait for it to do its job.  While we were waiting we watched “The IT Crowd” on the iPad through Netflicks.  It is such a funny show and kept my mind occupied.  I was than brought back to check if it had worked and it hadn’t so was asked to wait again.  No biggie J more TV for us!  45 minutes later I was brought in again but this time my nodes lit up like stars.  What an amazing image!  I asked if I can get a print out, and she told me it would be in my file.  It would make an amazing piece of artwork!  She used a homemade radioactive marker to trace the lymph nodes for the purpose of the biopsy (depth and area was needed) and she sent the file on its way.

The porter than took us back to the daycare unit.  I really felt like I should tip these guys, as they were so amazing at driving and so friendly.  Fortunately, or G would say unfortunately, we didn’t run over anyone or hit any walls.  I am not so good at work with the wheelchairs so I can’t even imagine how hard these are to maneuver. We arrived back around noon and the nurses asked if I needed anything.  I asked for Champagne but was turned down.  How rude 😉 I wasn’t even allowed water or anything else.  G jumped up on the bed and we watched more TV together and just relaxed.  I am so lucky he was with me.  He has been SO amazing through all this.  I am so very blessed!

My surgery was late; I was wheeled into the surgery unit around 2pm instead of 1:30pm.  The porter told G that he can’t come in but can give me 2 kisses, G snuck in 3 and the porter said that any more and he would have to give us a room.  He was sweet and funny and wished me luck.  I waited outside the operating room (my favourite number 11!) and soon met my handsome and young anesthesiologist who discussed the procedure and my medical history.  He told me his supervisor would soon be out to meet me, but he couldn’t remember her name!  A little scary, but I reassured him that everyone has brain farts sometimes.  He blushed, which was kind of cute but weird at the same time.  He told me that the IV would have to be put in my ankle, and all I could think of was ‘shoot I forgot to shave my legs, how embarrassing!”  His supervisor came out to meet me, but then said it will not go into my ankle cause I was only getting one breast done so they could use my left hand (phew).  They wheeled me into the OR room and I met with the nurses, said hi to Dr. MacGyver (my surgeon) and transferred to the OR bed.  The blushing Anesthesiologist looked at my hand and was bewildered about the size of my veins and seemed VERY worried about putting in the IV.  He tried putting one in but missed the vein (double ouch!) and was really nervous.  His supervisor eventually took over (thank God!) and talked to me about what I would be doing if I weren’t having the surgery.  I explained that I just moved out the day before and so most likely would be unpacking.  We talked about our pets and she told me she had a Miniature Schnauzer.  I was thinking how friendly and nice she was, and was so happy that she was trying to make me feel comfortable (but in retrospect she was just putting me to sleep) The last thing I remember saying was “Oh I love Miniature Sch…nau…zerss…..” and I fell asleep.

I woke up around 4pm to a nurse calling my name.  I had an oxygen mask over my face and there were people in beds all around me.  I was attached to a machine that measured my heart rate, blood pressure and oxygen level.  I guess my oxygen levels were low because the machine kept beeping and I was encouraged to take deep breaths.  Finally one of the nurses took the mask off, and I was able to breath on my own.  I obsessively watched the machine; I tried to keep my level above 93 but had a hard time at first.  The nurse explained that this was normal because of the meds and the anesthesia.  I was finally brought back to the Daycare unit around 5:30 where my vitals were monitored and I could finally have some water.  I went to the bathroom and noticed not only that my pee was BRIGHT blue but my breast was too.  I was feeling no pain and really relieved and so happy that the tumor was out.  I’m cancer free!  No more using the cancer card, ok well maybe not as I still have more treatment but at least hopefully no more cutting for now!  I asked if I was blue or green and the nurses said surprisingly no.  I knew G would be disappointed because he wanted a before and after picture.  M said she would make it her Facebook profile picture so I was relieved I wasn’t Smurf coloured.

I chatted with the nurses and relaxed until 6:30pm when I was asked if I wanted to change into my clothes and go home (did I ever!)   They wheeled me out, right up to my beautiful Caddie, and G greeted me with the most beautiful flowers: yellow roses and daises. my favourite!  Have I said how lucky I am?  He asked me how I was, if I was sore and such.  I told him I was feeling great, just tired.  We drove a bit and I asked him to pull over quickly, he did and I lost everything that I had drank.  Thank goodness it was only water.  I guess I wasn’t feeling so great after all.  I wasso  glad to get home, to be in my comfortable bed.  Days like this make you grateful for the little things, like pillows and water.

I am so grateful for all my friends and family, G’s family (who I feel so close to now) and just everybody!  I love the phone calls, the texts,  emails, notes and letters.  I love my Aunts for writing to me, C your words are so inspiring, loving and thoughtful.  I love you all so much!  Although I haven’t written back, as I have been so stressed, I just want everyone to know that I think about you all daily, and your support and love has helped me tremendously.  So, thank-you everybody!  You are all in my support circle.   In the books that I’m reading they recommend that you have a power circle and I feel that mine is the most powerful and dynamic of all.  xxx