Last week I rang a bell. I had never in my life been so excited to do this but it happened and I cried. I got dressed up, in my most favourite dress and boots, and when it was time I hit that stupid bell over and over again. It meant the closure of this part of my life. Radiation is done. Done forever I pray and I’ve never been happier!
Tuesday was my first day of post tumor radiation and I was feeling sick. Awful really, with a horrible migraine and the flu. I was brought to a new radiation area, and was told by the radiologist that the process is basically the same and that I could still change into the robe before going in. Well…when I first had my radiation ‘interview’ the woman told me that most of the ladies don’t bother changing into a robe and just wear a baggy sweater or such and take it of in the room so for the past month that is what I’ve been doing. So I told her, “nah, I’m not wearing a bra and I’m a quick change”. And I pulled off my shirt and blocked my chest and got ready. I left my wig and toque on. So I laid down and a radiologists drew a large circle around my scar and marked the scar it with an X. All in dark green permanent marker. My breast is a work of art. Maybe now more abstract than realistic.
After the radiation was done, I was in a hurry to get home and go back to bed. I started to sit up and the radiologist students startled and said “oh no, don’t give me a heart-attack. You can’t move until the bed is down” So I lay back down but my wig or hat or whatever got tangled and off it flew. I didn’t really notice it, but the look on her face kind of clued me in. So I dropped my sweater that was hiding my breasts and grabbed my wig and made some ridiculous comment like “oops, lost my head”. Normally I would have been mortified but then I figured my hair is growing back, and I should be proud even if it is patchy and weird looking so I got into my clothes and left the hospital topless. And by topless, I mean head wise and it felt wonderful.
So busy! Radiation is going as well as it should, but my breast is red, sore and itchy. I still hate it (the rads not my breast!) but full breast radiation ends Monday and then on to high strength, tumor area, target radiation (I am sure there is an actual name for that but that what I call it) I love my surgeon, he did such an amazing job and the scars are minimal and mostly hidden. I also love my breasts and my still blue areola, it makes me feel like part Smurf. I’m happy that I kept them, even after they tried to kill me.
Yesterday, was a long day and I’m still recovering from it. I had Radiation at 10, and met with my Oncologist and then my Herceptin infusion. I use to like my meetings, now I dread them. Recently they have been awkward, and yesterday was a fine example. He asked me how the Radiation has been treating me, I told him fine and just said that my breast was red and a little sore. He is quiet and doesn’t say much so I feel like I have to talk or ask questions or really just break the silence and weird eye contact. I use to find his accent cute but now I don’t as I’m having a hard time understanding him. G doesn’t help, as he has NO clue what he’s saying so half the time we all just stare at each other. So he asked me how my breast was and then asked how the scar was. I told him it’s alright. He then asked to see it. I felt weird, awkward and wasn’t sure what he wanted me to do as I was fully clothed and we were all just sitting around. So I just popped my boob out and showed him (and the student who I never was introduced and didn’t say one word to me…) Dr. C looked at it from across the room, and the student silently looked at it, and finally the doctor said “oh good, looks like everything is going as they should. I see no problems or issues here” I wasn’t expecting applause or anything (but it would have been appreciated) but I guess I wanted more explanation or a little bit of warmth or something, just anything to take away strangeness of it all, but that was that and so I plopped my breast back into my shirt and away we went.
As we were walking to the Chemo ward for my Herceptin I told G that I was worried about the next step radiation and scared that my scar would break/tear apart. He told me that was crazy talk and that scar tissue was more durable. I still don’t really believe him as I read on forums of other ladies whose mastectomy scars broke apart and basically exploded during Radiation. Gross I know, but now you know where my fear lies.
After Herceptin, G and I went to Cora’s for lunch. We ordered, and during the wait for our food G complained of a sharp pain in his side. He left the table to walk it off and the food came. I then got a call from him, he was in the car and said that we had to go to the hospital. He was feeling faint and in the most pain he has ever had. I paid the bill quickly and back to the hospital we went. I dropped him off in Emergency and then went to park the car. When I returned he was in sitting in the waiting room, all pale and sick looking, hunched over groaning in agony. It was horrible. I talked the receptionist and told her that something was seriously wrong, and asked if G can be seen right away. She complied and brought him in and a nurse set up an IV and gave him a pain killer. She told us that it was most likely a kidney stone and that he will need a CT scan. In the meantime we were set up in the Observation area and waited 6 hours for the scan. G got high on Morphine and Dilatin while I read to him and played Jetpack Joyride. The nurses were amazing, and said that the pain from Kidney stones are comparable and sometimes worse than Child Birth, oh my! When he finally got the scan, it turned out to be a 3mm stone and close to the bladder. The doctor said that it may take up to 2 weeks for it to pass! Poor G, he’s not looking forward to his ‘stone’ baby.
All is good today. We are both very tired after our 12 hour day at the hospital but G is feeling better and that is all that counts! Many thanks to both our family and friends who were kind and supportive through this ordeal. Love you guys!!!
My hair is growing back! This is making me SO happy! It is growing back a little darker than I wanted and in patches, but it is growing! It feels very fuzzy now, and I can’t stop running my hands over my scalp and reciting ‘Fuzzy Wuzzy was a Bear’.
I started Radiation Therapy mid December and I’m not liking it one bit. It doesn’t hurt or anything, and I just have to lie still for about 15 minutes but there is something about it that I just really dislike, more than Chemo actually. I think it is because I over think what it is doing to my body, and I’ve read so much about its effects. I’ll be happy to have it over with. Today I had the biggest urge to sit up and runaway during it. I’m not stupid enough to do this but I did think about it.
Talking a
bout thoughts, I wanted to write a little about sadness. I’m not going to call it depression because I feel that people can be sad and lonely without being depressed. I guess it really boils down to how people cope and the strategies they have to help them through stressful times. One of the strategies that I know has helped me is write down what I want to achieve or where I want to be in a few years. I think this, focus on it, and dream away. We perceive things differently, situations and circumstances. I could see my cancer as negative or I could see it as a positive. I CHOOSE to see it as a positive. It has brought my family and friends closer together and has given me the insight into others who are going through difficult times. I believe it is how we view things and this is one thing that we have power over.
I just watched this episode of ‘Canada’s Worst Driver’ and they gave the perfect example. The drivers were navigating a course at high speeds and kept spinning out. They needed to look on where they wanted to go; the best drivers look at the apex of the turn and visualized their successful navigation through the corners and the worst focus on obstacles they don’t want to hit. And guess where each one ended up? The better ones completed the task and the worst ones hit the obstacles they focused on, whether it was a wall, a curb or a cardboard person. You always obtain what you focus on, if that happens to be a negative thing than that’s where unfortunately you end up. And remember, when you start sliding this winter don’t panic and focus on the ditch in front of you but rather the empty space where you want to end up safely. It’s good to become self-aware of what we focus on, so that we can end up where we truly want to be.
