These past couple days have been a whirlwind of emotions, both good and bad.  I had a pre-op at the hospital yesterday which lasted around 3 hours.  We talked with a nurse about what my surgery will be like (a very long day is seems) and I found out that I will have green urine for at least 7 – 10 days.  Oh the things to look forward to.  I also found out that post-surgery I will no longer be able to have blood drawn, give blood, or have my blood pressure taken from my right arm again.  That seriously sucks for me, and I almost cried because it hurts so bad out of my left arm.  The nurse said it was because of my previous break (in the elbow) and that there is nothing that they can do.  Oh well, c’est la vie.

Find the answers within.

When I arrived home I had a message from the surgeon waiting for me on the machine.  He told me that my bone scan, ultrasounds, and chest x-ray came back fine.  No other cancer!  I was so ecstatic! He also said that my hormone levels were positive, which he said was good news.  YAY again.  The HER2 test was not back, but he said he would call as soon as the results came back.

I woke up feeling good this morning, and excited to go into work to see my students and especially my coworkers.  They are seriously like a family, and I am so lucky to be a part of it.  My feeling turned when my surgeon called back.  He was very nonchalant on the phone, and blasé  He told me that he got the HER2 results back and my levels were high, which is unusual.  He also told me that my heart scan came back abnormal but was not very concerned about it.  He said that can happen, and the test can be altered by various reasons.  I wanted to know if I can start fertility treatment but he told me I had to wait to speak to the oncologists who should be calling soon.  I had no clue what HER2 receptor was (but have recently researched it) and am very concerned about my heart but I guess if the surgeon isn’t concerned I should breathe a little easier :s

The cancer center called soon after to book an appointment consult on July 12 with the oncologists for chemo and July 15 for radiation.  I wanted it sooner so I can start the fertility process but that was the earliest I can be seen.  I hate having no power over this.  While I was at work, the hospital called and switched my surgery to July 7 instead of the 19.  Crazy! That is next week!  I’ll be happy to have the tumor out but scared not knowing what my treatment will be and unsure if I can start with the fertility.  I’m hoping that this will get easier.

My  friend E (and coworker extraordinaire!) reminds me to BREATHE.  Inhale, exhale and repeat.  I must not forget.  I also must try to dance my worries out. To quote E “Don’t let life take your breath away”

My right ovary was found!  Apparently it was never missing just really small, my left one is small too.  I suppose I just have child-sized ovaries; who would have thought?  G says I could compensate for my small ovaries with a faster,  more powerful car.

I went to get another abdominal ultrasound, but this time was to check my internal organs for cancer.  I really hate all these tests as I always worry that they will find more cancer (or other hidden diseases) I wish they would tell me after each test if things are alright but they always keep you in the dark.  I’m now hoping for no news, as it usually means good news (as the saying goes).  They had trouble finding my left kidney.  I asked if it was child sized, and received a sigh and a puzzled look.  The response, “Umm…it’s a normal adult size.”  I was relieved.  I was kind of worried that all my organs were child sized.  This cancer business is making me find all different things about my body.

So G and I are going to go ahead with this embryo making business.  I might have to delay Chemo for a bit to collect more eggs (if it’s safe) and start on hormones in two weeks.  This will be a wild and crazy summer!  G asked the doctor if the eggs can get freezer burnt.  There was no reply.  Not even a smirk.  I thought it was a little funny.  The doctor did mention, right after that there was a storing cost of $300 each year.  That put us in our place.

Happy summer solstice! As the longest day of the year, it was also the most exhausting.  Got a lot accomplished but didn’t realize before today that my right ovary was missing.  How does one lose one without knowing it?  Not to worry, the technician said my left one was in fine form and would do the business of two.  Hopefully she is right, as I don’t really want (or need) anything else to worry about.

I also finally got my bone scan, abdominal ultrasound (for fertility) and chest x-ray completed.  Phew, more tests down and only a few left to go (I hope!).   We went to the hospital for 8am.  G said now he will take over the driving, because in my rush to get there I drove over the curb and went through a yellow light.  I blame it on the cancer ;).

The bone scan was not as scary as I envisioned. It took about 40 minutes and the camera circled around my body capturing images in 3D. Pretty neat actually!

I got more radioactive traces injected into me but this time I hardly felt it and was sent on my way home.  Well not home yet as I had to get the chest x-ray done.  This was surprisingly fast, the only thing that was difficult was getting that stupid 3 holed hospital gown on(ok not really, but I did ask if I should have it opened in the front or back and she explained that it was a double thingy; silly moi!).

Yesterday was a good day.  I hardly thought about the cancer.  I needed to get things done around the house and take care of things.  G and I are thinking of buying a house, our dream house.  It doesn’t look like it will work out but we have other plans.  We will make other plans. and dream other dreams.  We are happy and know that whatever we do,  we will do it together and things will work out.  It may not be as we planned but maybe that is better.  Sometimes it’s more fun to fly by the seat of your pants.  I spent the evening with my friends (my best friends) and it was wonderful to just relax and be stupid.  Friends are the most important part of life, well love actually is and I feel all full up.

Life is a gift and I’m just starting to unwrap it  🙂

It was a busy day yesterday.  G and I had a meeting at the fertility clinic first thing in the morning.  We had some questions answered and surprisingly started the process.  It looks like they will do embryo freezing but there is much to do to get this done.

The doctors took our blood and G is scheduled for an appointment for semen analysis on Monday.  His instructions made me laugh ” The specimen should be collected by masturbation after meticulously washing your hands.  Alternate methods may be discussed with your doctor but are not recommended.  DO NOT USE CONDOMS as these contain chemicals which may kill sperm and invalidate results.”

I wonder what the alternate methods are and really would someone really use a condom???  I also giggled on the meticulous washing bit!  It also said that it needs to be dropped off no later than 1 hour after collection.  G said that he may just do it in the parking lot or in the waiting room.  Hopefully there won’t be any arrests that day!  (joking!)

I also had a  MUGA Scan at the Ottawa Heart Institute.  They injected me with radioactive traces and then took pictures of my heart.  The IV really hurt this time, and I had to wait 40 minutes after they put it in.  It really sucked but these tests are needed and I know I have a lot more to do so I can’t be a big baby.  The scan was OK.  A little strange and something I hope I will never have to do again in my life time.  It took about 45 minutes and I was SO happy to get out of there and go home.  The worst part was being in the hospital and seeing everybody in the waiting room.  I wondered what they were there for and prayed that they would make it through this (whatever was happening with them)  There are so many sick people!  I hope they have the support and love that I do!

Yesterday I went to the pharmacy to pick up some muscle relaxants.  My body has not felt the same since the day of my ultrasound and mammogram over a week ago.   My body aches; my back and shoulder are sore and my chest is so tight.  I feel like my heart hurts and my lungs hurt.  I’m scared and worried that there is something else wrong but L and G assure me that it’s just the anxiety.  G reminds me that I already have 1 cancer that I can’t be selfish and claim another.

At Shoppers Drug Mart I asked the pharmacist about the muscle relaxants.   She inquired about my symptoms and I explained to her that I was just very sore. She asked why so I came right out with it.  I told her I just got diagnosed with breast cancer.  She was shocked but recovered quickly and explained which ones would be good and recommended a heating blanket.  She told me I shouldn’t take them more than a week.  I know this but bought the big bottle, just in-case.

It felt good to say it to a stranger.  I’m not going to play the cancer card very often but seriously if I have it I suppose it’s mine to use.   G say’s that is only in play for a limited time, bless him, so use it while I can.

I woke up feeling a bit better.  Knowing that I had a full day to get use to this ‘cancer’ diagnosis and nothing really planned to do other than get my nails done.  I woke up at 6am, really tired, but not able to fall back to sleep because I wanted to write things down.  I worried about work.  Am I able to take time off?  Can I afford to take off the time I need to get the help I need?  I called human resources and the woman I talked to assured me that someone would call me back on Monday and gave me a sheet to give my doctor to fill out.  I looked at it but I don’t think that he can answer it fully yet because there is so much that is unknown.   I hate this.  I want the answers right away but have to wait and do all these tests.

Sometimes I feel like I’m going to break.  I feel like I’m having a nervous breakdown. Hopefully I’ll just wake up from this terrible dream and everything will go back to the way it was before.  Pre cancer.  No such luck.  I know that I can always call my friend M and my sister L to talk to when I feel like this.  I’ve called them so much these past few days, laughing and crying (so much crying!) and they have always been my boulders.  I can’t imagine women going through this without support.  I have more than enough and I take comfort in this.  I guess I’m lucky after all!

The fertility clinic called me first thing to book an appointment.  I’m not sure if I actually have to pay for this consultant appointment but I’m sure it’s worth it.  I hope they don’t ask me too many questions because I’m not sure if I can answer anything as I’m still in the dark about what will truly happen.  I feel happy that I’m not dying but still overwhelmed and bewildered that I truly have cancer.  I am SO worried that this will take away my fertility.  I want to have children more than anything and can’t imagine that this small little lump can take it away from me. I want to be healed, cancer free but I want to keep my eggs.  I imagine little armies fighting in my breast, red coats for the cancer and white for the good cells.  I imagine the Lumpectomy being the allies but taking out everyone, with a nuclear bomb type thing.  This whole thing is happening in my boob.  G  says it’s much slower so maybe it’s happening in freeze time, or slow motion either way I hate war.

While I was at Wal-Mart, shopping for sports bras, the Ottawa Heart Institute called.  I’m not sure she knew my situation but I booked an appointed 2 hours after the fertility appointment.  I had to make a decision that was best for my health.  She told me Dr. L was pushing to get the results as soon as possible.  It was either that or wait to July, which would be impossible.  They need to know my heart is strong and healthy enough for Chemo.  I worried about the heart scan.  Am I going to have to run? I’ve always thought that I had a good heart but going in for tests makes me anxious and questions if everything will be all right.  I have so many what ifs.  What if the test results come back negative?  What will happen?  I’m so nervous and my heart is beating so much and fast, it actually hurts cause I’m so stressed, so what if the results are flawed.  Do they take that into affect?

I went out for dinner with friends.  When I got there I researched the MUGA scan because I was unsure if I can drink before this test.  Funny, I texted a friend that I was getting this scan done and it auto corrected to Muga Scam.  She wondered what the hell I was getting done.  I read that it will be an image or video of my heart (instead of an intense physical exercise regime) I always picture House episodes before each test and I’m happy that this is not the one with the person running on the treadmill.  It also said that I would need an IV again with a radioactive tracer.  I’m thinking that my veins will light up if I’m under black light.  I will glow through my clothes and you will just see my teeth and my blood flow.  Creepy.

Today I had my appointment with my surgeon Dr. L to find out if I had cancer.  When I got there, I noticed an older gentleman on the elevator up to the breast clinic.  I wondered if this could be my surgeon and scanned his demeanor and facial expressions.  When we walked in the receptionist greeted him “good morning Dr. L” and he walked on back.  The week long wait had been making me paranoid and when I checked in I studied the receptionist face as well as she looked at my file.  I was looking for signs, of pity or really just anything, I felt like I was going crazy with worry.

The week prior was the hardest week of my life.  Uncertainty mixed with anxiety did not help me and I had a really hard time centering and remaining positive. Friends and family were incredibly supportive but I knew that they were scared for me as well and possibly a little annoyed with my anxiety.   They would reassure me that things would turn out fine, that 8 out of ten biopsies turned out to be negative for cancer, that I was young and that the lump was small and in a place where my under-wire probably rubbed and caused a cyst or some thing similar.  I understood all this and tried to rationalize everything but my anxiety would take over and I would research more and make myself more crazy and paranoid.  My biggest fear was that it had spread to other parts of my body through my enlarged lymph nodes. I envisioned my body full of cancerous cells multiplying and attack other good cells.  I prepared myself (as much as I could) for the worst-case scenario.  I rolled played what was going to be said to me and tried to work out good ways to handle the news.  I also envisioned great news and thought about how happy I would be and how I should never take anything, especially my health for granted.

After being called into the office, my sister S, my boyfriend G and I sat down and talked with the nurse Kelly that I met earlier in the week.  She explained that they didn’t yet have the biopsy results but that I would still meet with the surgeon.  That went all right.  He seemed very nonchalant and explained the findings from the ultrasound and mammogram.  He told me that it cannot be diagnosed cancer without the biopsy results but again the growth was suspicious.  He proceeded to do a physical exam of the lump and of my lymph nodes.  I explained how nervous I was (which I was sure he could tell by the sweat pooled in my armpits, grody) and he left the room and told us to meet him back in the office.

He returned to the office and told us that he got the verbal results from the biopsy.  It was cancer.  I didn’t react much as I kind of expected this.   After this I was kind of numb.  I kind of walked through the rest in a kind of dream like state.  Like I was looking in on this, not really a part of it.  I am so fortunate that my sister S and boyfriend were there.  I was lucky to have them help me.  I felt so supported and taken care of at that moment and still to this day.  I don’t know if I thanked them for being with me, as I seriously couldn’t get by without them.  I think I would have crumpled; all I had really wanted to do was roll into a ball and go to sleep.  But they were there with me, and a HUGE help.

I asked if it was in the lymph nodes and he said no.  I was incredibly relieved.  He said that this was positive news but that sometimes the biopsy doesn’t get all the cells or nodes and that it still may contain cancer in the other nodes.  I felt a little more anxious but was happy to finally have some answers.

He went through some options but seemed a little unsure what the best treatment would be as it is unclear if I had the breast cancer gene.  He explained that they would normally do a lumpectomy since the cancer was small, remove some (if not all nodes) and treat with radiation but since I might have the gene he had mixed feeling about treating me with radiation as the chance of it recurring is higher.  Radiation should not be used on the same area more than once, they say, so they had to make sure to pick the best time.  He was also concerned about my age, having cancer at 33 is rare (1 in 1000) and I really want to have children, so he wants to do the least intrusive treatment for this.  We discussed freezing my eggs before treatment and were told that my hormone estrogen levels will have to be tested because my cancer may have been escalated or caused by an imbalance.  It is super complicated, this cancer.

I got home with an arm full of reading material.  My plan was to nap, as I was exhausted from not sleeping the night before and from the stress.  I wasn’t able to.  I called my work to book the next day off and was happy about how supportive they were.  I love my work, my students and especially my coworkers so I don’t want to take any unnecessary time off (I also know it will help keep my mind at bay as I’m prone to worry).

I told my friends and family, well S and G did (thank you!) People reacted differently; some were sad, some worried and some happy.  Not happy in the euphoric way but more in the relieved way that at least it wasn’t worse.  I heard that I was lucky a lot.  I don’t feel lucky, I mean I am VERY happy and relieved that I’m not dying but for goodness sake I have cancer. CANCER.  It is not something I ever wanted, not anything I wished for but I have it and do not feel lucky for it.  I hate that I have to go through this and I know that it could be so much worse.  A lot of people have it so much worse.  My friend is paralyzed; another friend’s coworker just got diagnosed with a brain tumor.  Those are so much worse.  I know this but can’t help but feel a little sorry for myself.  Why me?  Why now? What caused this?  Was it my antiperspirants, my love of tuna, or just a fluke? I don’t think I will find all the answers anytime soon.  I just need time to get use to this.  Yes it’s treatable but I still have a long road ahead with testing (staging, genetic and hormone), treatment (surgery and chemical) and than more future testing.  I’m worried that I won’t be able to have children after this.  I’m worried that it will come back more forcibly; hopefully this will not always be in the back of my mind but for now it is.  It is not everyday you get diagnosed with cancer.

During the week coming up to my diagnosis my boyfriend and I promised each other that we will make each day count, not live as zombies as so many of us are prone to do.  We will live well and strong and do everything that makes us happy.  Never take life for granted.

I was so scared that I was going to get a death sentence.  I didn’t want to die young not doing all that I wanted to do.  I’m happy to know that not going to die from this but I still am unhappy with the diagnosis.  One thing I do know for certain is that I am done being a zombie.  I am going to stop procrastinating; I’m going to live.  So thank you cancer, thank you for the wake up call.  I needed it!