It’s been a while since my last post. I wish I could say that I was gallivanting around the town, riding hippos and granting wishes but alas I was mostly house bound. My last Chemo round really hit me hard, and I’ve been mostly recouping from that. I had a few too many glasses of wine the other night (yes Mom I can have wine during Chemo, but usually only a glass 🙂 ) and during this intoxicated state had a long conversation with G. I was worried that he found me lazy. I’ve been mostly doing a lot of nothing and when I do do stuff, I get SO tired. Most of my days are spent in a daze, kind of a sleepy, pillow over the head feeling. I have so many plans, ‘I’m going to clean the house from top to bottom’ but have SO much trouble doing it. I feel guilty because so many people going through this are throwing up all the time and my only issues are gastrointestinal and tiredness. I’ve read about woman who are going through it and their houses are spotless. Mine is far from it, but I did manage to get most of my Christmas decorations up! Hooray for small accomplishments!
Oh yes, back to my drunken conversation with G. So I cried and told him that I felt guilty. He laughed. Yes, what a bastard. Just kidding, we all know he’s wonderful. But while laughing he reassured me that the Chemo affects everyone differently. He told me that I can blame my horrible laziness on the Chemo! So nothing is getting done today, other than beat my score (and everyone elses’s) on Bejeweled and the horrible addictive bubble popping game Bubble Witch! It’s a hard life 😉 Well, I’m actually feeling a lot better today, I feel less cloudy and will probably get a lot of work done that I’ve been putting off. I need to start my jewelry making again, I had SO much trouble making the one bracelet (my hands were shaking so much) and after it was completed it broke. Sadness. So I haven’t tried again. I haven’t really even wanted to. Now I do!
I have a meeting this Friday coming up with my super cute, french from France, Oncologist regarding radiation. I’m unsure if I’m going to start right away in December or delay it ’till January because of the holidays. I kind of want to get everything over with so I can start fresh in the New Year with only Herceptin and Tamoxifen to worry about. I guess only time will tell!
First off, go easy on yourself. As G. says, chemo (like everything) affects people in different ways. I remember feeling guilty when Sage was born that I couldn’t juggle things like other new mothers could…I still feel twinges of being inept, but we really do all walk our paths in our own way. And seriously, I’m sure putting up your Christmas decorations was a big job.
I’m glad you haven’t been throwing up all the time. I’m also glad you’ve let yourself rest (that isn’t the same as being lazy) when you’ve needed to. I can’t say I’m particularly happy with your high scores in the games, but I’m glad you have free time to hone your skills (although I’m already on level 115 of Bubble Witch Saga, yes, that’s me gloating).
Enjoy your decorations, your bracelet making if you try again, your wine and your games. You deserve all of them.
Mary, Mary, Mary, you are SO hard on yourself. You have been going through an extremely difficult situation and it will take time to bounce back fully. And yes, different people DO respond in each his or her own way. Please stop judging yourself. You are getting through this horrific experience and some day you’ll look back on it and realize everything you have been through and be happy for your upbeat personality and sense of reality during this time.
Just yesterday I was beating up on myself for not being able to be better on my Horn,which is a notoriously difficult beast of an instrument. I get tired easily; after all I am nearly 75. My dear friend Brian reminded me to be gentle with myself. He said that I am very gentle with everyone else and it was time I added myself to the many I am good to. And this time I really heard him, bless his beautiful heart.He is such a great friend!!!!!!!
You too expect to be perfect all the time.It isn’t going to happen. Just love yourself for trying so hard and let it go. Your energy will return at some point. All my several friends who have been through this tell me the same thing as you have written,- that they felt so lazy and yet, after they went into in remission and back to “normal” their energy and interest in life returned. Yours will too. Hang in there! Love, Connie