It has been awhile. My life continues to change…I just got married and bought a house! Things are good. I just got the all clear to return to work, and hopefully will be back after March break. I’ve missed it more than anything. Nothing has made me realize more how much I love my work then being off for this long. I truly can’t wait to go back. So lucky to love what I do!
30
Jun
Life and Living
I had an appointment with Dr.S a few weeks back and got the results back from my mammogram…all clear! YES! It the only clear mammogram I’ve ever had and I can not be happier about it! As G would say, I worried and stressed over nothing. It is so hard to let go and let things be, especially when the control is taken away.
29
May
On death and dying…
I’ve never really thought that much about death and dying before cancer. When I did think of it, it would make me sad and I would move on with my thoughts. I think I was too afraid to really think about it, to make my mind go that way. I’m lucky I suppose, I only know about a handful of people that have died, and although their deaths made me upset, they never really made me think.
18
May
Body 1 – Chemo 0 !
I’m so happy! Finally good news, and it was from the best place. My body! I got my period today (I know yucky, and totally too much information but this is my blog so nana nana poo poo!) You don’t understand how relieved this makes me, as I am not in menopause anymore…just have the symptoms from the Tamoxifen. And the symptoms are being dealt with pills, and so are much much better. Things are looking up, my body is returning to it’s pre Chemo days. Phew! Also, I’ve lost the extra 10 lbs from the steroids so I’m back to my pre Chemo weight! I’m ecstatic and can’t wait to celebrate! Booyah!
24
Apr
Losing my religion
I’ve been wanting to write about this for a while, but have been quite afraid of what others will think of me. Now, I kind of made a pack to myself that I will say what’s on my mind, and if people don’t want to read it, then so be it. I’ve lost my faith, any and every belief in the ever after, the spirit world, and all things ‘eternal’. I don’t want people to think that this is a ‘phase’ I’m going through or that I’ve just lost hope because I have done a lot of soul searching and researching because of the hope I have and I really truly wish that I could still believe.
11
Apr
You are life!
Argh. Some things get me so angry. The amount of people complaining about their life, their children, their spouse astounds me. “Oh, I really want God to help me through this” or “Why did God do this to me!” People, if you wait on God to do things for you, you may be waiting a VERY long time. YOU need to help yourself, you need to wake up, look around, and realize that life is what you make of it. If you think that it is shitty all the time, YOU made it that way. And guess what??? Only YOU have the ability to change it, not your children, not your friends, and certainty not God. I’m sick of people not taking responsibility over themselves. They like to blame things on others or God. Good and bad. If you got a promotion, it is YOUR doing…your hard work.. If something bad happens, that’s just the way the cookie crumbles, it’s LIVING people. I’ve even heard of people thinking/saying that God or even Satan gives people diseases, cancer or other sickness. How screwed up is that?
6
Apr
Wow! Animals!
I was watching the Daily Planet, and was shocked by what I saw. This was the one of the most interesting segments I have seen on this show, once you get by the dry stuff (G says there is no dry material) there is a whole bunch of interesting shit! Well. I found it here…my next undomesticated pet. G has always begged for weird pets. When I first met him, he was in the process of adopting a groundhog. Yes, a groundhog. He told me that he was going to bring it home and help nurse it back to health. Well that never happened but when we were in Mexico we came across some Coatimundis and now that is all he talks about. Apparently they are legal to buy as pets in Ontario. Who knew?
29
Mar
Not another appointment!
I complain a lot. But mostly in my head. I complain about cancer, the treatments, the pills, and the tests. I like to work things out in my mind, think about things, worry and when all else fails and when I can’t handle it anymore then I talk with others or write it down. I just got a whole bunch off appointments booked. Another Echocardiogram, a Mammogram, blood work, Herceptin, and appointments with Oncologists. The Echocardiogram hurts, they use an ultrasound wand to view my heart, but they have to press hard and sometimes between my ribs. I’m a big baby I know, but I don’t look forward to this test. I’ve been taking Tamoxifen pills for the last 2 months (this pill helps to keep my estrogen levels down) and recently been taking Effexor (an anti-depressant) to help alleviate my hot flashes. I really hope this pill works because my hot-flashes have been terrible and keep me up at night. I joked with my oncologist about the anti-depressant, as I said it probably only makes you happy and so you forget or don’t worry about the stupid hot-flashes. Well, whatever works!
20
Mar
My big fab Canadian Family
The saying “you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family” is true, but the older I get the more appreciative I am that I have the family that I do. They have truly been here for me in good times and bad, and I KNOW I can count on them to help me, guide me, and protect me. I am so fortunate. I know I didn’t choose my family, but I don’t think I would want it any other way. I’m lucky, the families that surround me, G’s family and my best friend M’s family are amazing. It really feels like I have so many more brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, cousins and even parents. I am happy to grow old surrounded by loving, caring, and just over round great people.
7
Mar
Worry…
I had a good cry today. I think that it’s important for everybody, both male and female, to have a good, old fashioned wailing session. I had an appointment with my Oncologist, well actually not my original one since she was away but another one that I’ve seen a few times in the past. While she was doing a breast exam, she commented on my scar tissue, or should I say the lump within it. She asked if it always felt like that, and I responded that I think so. She asked when my last mammogram was and I told her June when I had surgery. She said that everything is likely alright but I should have one just to be certain. I know I have nothing to worry about (most likely) the tissue does feel bumpy and hard but it has felt like this before and radiation has make it worse. I know I shouldn’t be scared…but I am. I am prone to worry, which totally sucks and is something I need to work on. This is just another reminder to me how important life is. My sister said to not get to ahead of myself, to take one day at a time. G also reminded me to stay focused on living and remember that I am under the microscope. The doctors have to do this. I understand, I just wish I didn’t have to think about cancer so much.
4
Mar
Who’s the critic?
So I was talking with my best friend M the other day about confidence and acceptance. I’ve always struggled with body image and low self-esteem, and have had trouble accepting me for me. I’ve always worried about how other people see me. M and I discussed how many people, especially women, no matter how beautiful they are struggle with this. It is absolutely crazy, it really is to worry about not being thin enough or pretty enough. I understand this, I really do but I also see society bullying people into thinking that this is the most important part of life. It likes the Cinderella Syndrome, if you are pretty and dress nice everything will turn out happily ever after. That is such bull-crap.
1
Mar
LTD and Bridezilla
A month, a whole freaking month went by and I’ve done a whole lot of nothing. Well, actually I have been trying to plan a wedding., and I’m pretty close to becoming Bridezilla. I found my dream wedding dress, and when they say that you will know when it’s the one, they were right. I must have tried on over 3o dresses, and all were really pretty and I did like them, but when I tried this one on I cried. I love it. I want to wear it everyday! Also, did you know that you can buy a Wedding Dress off Ebay for $100? Nice ones too! Crazy, eh!?
28
Jan
Ring my bell!
Last week I rang a bell. I had never in my life been so excited to do this but it happened and I cried. I got dressed up, in my most favourite dress and boots, and when it was time I hit that stupid bell over and over again. It meant the closure of this part of my life. Radiation is done. Done forever I pray and I’ve never been happier!
28
Jan
Empathy
I’m a control freak. I admit it. And the first step to overcoming it, is recognizing it. I am not Obsessive Compulsive, well not in it’s true diagnoses. I think everybody has a little OCD, or others more, inside of them and that is what makes their personality. My ‘control’ issues is regarding people. And no, I am not locking people up, making them wear tutu’s and making them dance and serve me wonderful meals (although that would be phenomenal) Mine is more regarding my think processors. I have to relinquish control, and recognize that not everybody thinks like me.
6
Jan
Awkward doctors and kidney stones
So busy! Radiation is going as well as it should, but my breast is red, sore and itchy. I still hate it (the rads not my breast!) but full breast radiation ends Monday and then on to high strength, tumor area, target radiation (I am sure there is an actual name for that but that what I call it) I love my surgeon, he did such an amazing job and the scars are minimal and mostly hidden. I also love my breasts and my still blue areola, it makes me feel like part Smurf. I’m happy that I kept them, even after they tried to kill me.
2
Jan
Happy New Year!
“We can prevent breast cancer recurrence. It is a substantial statement to be able to decrease a recurrence rate by 50%” Dr. George Peoples.
30
Dec
Is your glass half full or half empty?
My hair is growing back! This is making me SO happy! It is growing back a little darker than I wanted and in patches, but it is growing! It feels very fuzzy now, and I can’t stop running my hands over my scalp and reciting ‘Fuzzy Wuzzy was a Bear’.
16
Dec
In the beginning…
Yesterday marked my 6 month anniversary of having breast cancer. Well formally I should add. I’ve had a few people ask how I found it and realized that I’ve never written about the days before my diagnosis. So here goes…
28
Nov
Hippos and laughter
It’s been a while since my last post. I wish I could say that I was gallivanting around the town, riding hippos and granting wishes but alas I was mostly house bound. My last Chemo round really hit me hard, and I’ve been mostly recouping from that. I had a few too many glasses of wine the other night (yes Mom I can have wine during Chemo, but usually only a glass 🙂 ) and during this intoxicated state had a long conversation with G. I was worried that he found me lazy. I’ve been mostly doing a lot of nothing and when I do do stuff, I get SO tired. Most of my days are spent in a daze, kind of a sleepy, pillow over the head feeling. I have so many plans, ‘I’m going to clean the house from top to bottom’ but have SO much trouble doing it. I feel guilty because so many people going through this are throwing up all the time and my only issues are gastrointestinal and tiredness. I’ve read about woman who are going through it and their houses are spotless. Mine is far from it, but I did manage to get most of my Christmas decorations up! Hooray for small accomplishments!
Check your boo bees!!
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