Is the power of positive thinking real? Do negative thoughts or worries make things worse? Can stress actually cause illness, or can worrying manifest physical symptoms? Does my state of mind hold that much power? Have I, in some way, caused my cancer to return?
These questions have followed me for fourteen years, ever since my initial diagnosis. I have spent years thinking about it, worrying about it, and sometimes wondering if, through my fears, I somehow brought it back. I’ve tried to live my life as best as I could, but I admit the fear has never truly left me. Every six months, then later once a year, I went for check-ups, anxiously awaiting results. That anxiety never fully faded.
The word “remission” has always bothered me. To me, it implied something temporary, that the cancer was still there, just waiting to reappear. People have said that’s a negative way of thinking, but in my mind, remission never meant gone. After all the treatments and surgeries, I wanted to hear that it was over. Why remission? Was it always lurking quietly, just out of sight, waiting for a chance to return? Sometimes I wondered if my fear or negative thinking had somehow willed it back into my life. I remember writing similar thoughts fourteen years ago, hoping that positive thinking alone could keep the cancer away.
Losing my parents to breast cancer deeply affected me. Sometimes I wonder if the grief and the stress from their illnesses affect my own body? Did my emotional pain somehow contribute to my cancer?
I guess I’ll never really know. The doctors tell me it’s hormones, estrogen and progesterone, not emotion that fuel my cancer’s growth. Still, deep down I trust the science, but in my heart my greatest struggle is with fear itself. I fight every day not to let worry consume what’s left of my peace, but sometimes the waiting is unbearable. Now I’m here again trying to find patience when there’s nothing left for me to do but wait and hope, and hold on as best I can.
Thank you for sharing this. It was really moving. Stay strong.
Reading this, I just want to hold space for all of your feelings and let you know that every thought and fear you’ve shared is completely valid. You are not responsible for your cancer coming back, and your worries, though understandable, don’t control your body or your health. What you’ve endured and continue to face is unimaginable, and the strength it takes just to show up each day is remarkable. It’s okay to feel scared, frustrated, and exhausted; your feelings are real, and they matter. I love you so much, and I’m here with you through all of it.
Your support means everything right now. Thank you for being here with me. Love you so much!
I feel ya Mary! I called my brain tumour a trauma tumour for a long time. The death of Ellis and all my stress and grief affected my cancer for sure. There is definitely some truth in that. Emotional stress affects our health!!! Trying to stay positive is stressful in its self. Love you xoxoxox Let’s beat this cancer shit together.
I’m so glad we have each other through this. Love you lots! We’ll get through it together ❤️ xoxo
Mary, I too have had breast cancer and felt sometimes that I couldn’t keep fighting and allowing those treatments to continue.
What I learned was to allow those friends and family into my space who are positive, kind and loving but most of all those who will help you to get to the end of your treatments and feel like you accomplished what you set out to do which was to fight this terrible disease.
You now know what you are up against having caught this before but there is 1 huge difference and her name is Lexi 💕💕. A major focus for you to fight this.
Let people help you when they offer because you know you will need every ounce of energy you have.
YOU GOT THIS GIRL!!!!
Sending lots of love and hugs 🫂 🩷🩷
Thank you so much for sharing this with me 💞 Your words give me strength and you’re so right that Lexi is my biggest reason to keep fighting! I’m so grateful for your love and support ❤️