Can I be 13 again?  I need to only worry about grades and friendship, how things that use to be so huge in my life seem so stupid and mundane!  I’m feeling so overwhelmed.  Found out that my eggs are bad today, something about vacuoles .  The doctor said it was most likely because of the cancer tests (all that radiation and such) and my stress level.  It is so weird to feel completely healthy and normal but have doctors tell you that you are not.  He said, “just worry about getting healthy again”.  I felt like screaming, but I AM!  Of course I am not, Chemo is just a week away.  It’s hard to wait for the dreaded poison to be inserted into me.  To prepare for when I’m actually sick.   I do plan ahead, tell people “oh sorry, I can’t go to your birthday or go out, I’m going to go through Chemo that week and I don’t know how I’ll feel”.

Cancer sucks.  I’m actually not even sure how much it does yet, but I’m prepared for the worse.  I have many books and shows lined up and G, I hope, is prepared for the monster to rear its ugly head. Chemo and Menopause.  If we can get through this, we can get through anything that is thrown our way.

I just only wish the odds were more (or not?) in my favour.  I seem to be always the small percent.  I kind of want the odds not to be on my side anymore, I don’t want to be the 1 out of 1000 odds but the rest of the 999.  I won the wrong lottery it seems, and I just want to be go back to normal before the ‘win’

I am OK.  I break a little at time, but I know I can rebuild myself.  I have all the pieces to do that around me, my friends and family.  I am lucky.  I keep telling myself I am, and one day it will sink in fully.  I know,  but now it’s hard.  I’m going through a lot,  I keep dodging missiles it seems, but soon I’ll have a gun which will blow everything to smithereens.  I want my bazooka now; I’m ready for it!