I am trying not to let the fire die down on me but some days it’s hard, like today for instance.  I have a whole bunch of emotions running through me, mostly sadness and fear.

I finally had a meeting with my Oncologist, Dr S.  I found out:

• I am Stage 1 (she never really told me this though, she stated that stage wasn’t very important in my case – weird)
• I am Grade 3 (the highest grade possible which means “cells look very different from normal cells. They grow quickly in disorganized, irregular patterns, with many dividing to make new cancer cells.)
• I am HER2 positive, which means “HER2-positive breast cancer is a breast cancer that tests positive for a protein called human epidermal growth factor receptor 2 (HER2), which promotes the growth of cancer cells. In about 1 of every 5 breast cancers, the cancer cells make an excess of HER2 due to a gene mutation. HER2-positive breast cancers tend to be more aggressive than other types of breast cancer. They’re also less responsive to hormone treatment.”
• I am ER Positive, which means “breast cancers that are estrogen-receptor-positive (ER-positive) are those that have estrogen receptors present on many of the cancer cells.”
• My lympth nodes were clear
• I have clear margins
• My tumour was 1cm.
• I will need 4 treatments of Chemotherapy every 3 weeks (Taxotere and Cyclophosphamide)
• I will lose my hair (she said this was for sure 🙁 )
• After the 2 treatments for Chemotherapy I will be started on Herceptin, 18 treatments every 3 weeks
• I will have Radiation (I am not sure when, but will be meeting with this Oncologist June 29^th)
• I will have treatment for 1 and a 1/2 years and then start on hormone therapy for 5 years.
•  A ‘Port-a-Cath’ will be inserted for the duration of my treatment.  Click here to read up about it http://www.huffingtonpost.com/hollye-harrington-jacobs/portacath-insertion_b_840429.html
• I have a meeting with the Cardiologist tomorrow to check my heart because of abnormalities.

So, it has been a hard day.  I have so much to consider and take in, the most being my fertility.  I have missed my chance this month of harvesting eggs and will not be able to harvest until the end of August.  I can take a risk, start the fertility hormones and delay treatment but… being triple positive means that my cancer is estrogen based and with the HER2 status which increases the cancer, adding hormones and the small delay may not be a risk that I should take.  The doctor said I made her heart break a little because she couldn’t say or help more.  She couldn’t tell me more than that it is a risk, and I must make the final decision.

I really want a child, but I use to think more than anything.  I am not sure anymore.  It is so hard because I have to think about G’s feelings too and I’m so sad that if I don’t do the fertility that I might disappoint him (and me in the future). This is his life and his (future) child too.  We are just starting our life together, and I have so many health problems, I can’t help but feel like I’m damaged goods.  I feel bad for G.  I wish I could know more.  My Oncologist described my cancer as an garden, my cancer was a plant with roots, they can’t see if there are other seeds under the soil and Chemo will not help if those seeds root themselves down.  I wish that they could tell if I had tiny seeds of cancer still in me.  They can’t and wishing is useless.  I just have to make the most informed decision that will be the best outcome for the future.

I don’t have my answer yet.