Where is the time going? I can’t get over that it is November already! G and I have been so busy lately, well G mostly. We are in the midst of renovating the kitchen and the garage. The roof needed to be replaced on the garage, and of course when he took some apart he realized that the walls needed to be done too. A huge undertaking but G is amazing and is doing it all himself, well, with help from friends.
28
Oct
Love and Support
I’ve always had trouble with saying the right things to people when they are either sick, have family that is or had someone close to them pass away. I usually say how sorry I am and hope that they get better soon and or something in those lines. I always feel awkward and end up replaying what I have said over and over in my head hoping it was alright. That being said, I understand that others don’t know what to say to me.
19
Oct
The Other Women
G has another ‘lady’ in his life. We started off good, but then when she realized I was staying she turned bitchy. She use to sleep in the other spare room but when I moved in she wanted our bed. Well, to sleep on my side to be exact. She follows him everywhere, even goes to work with him! Now she has taken over my island (my part of the couch) and won’t give it back. And she snaps and snarls. She is Cracker of course, G’s dog, and she is getting mean in her old age. MORE
15
Oct
Herceptin: 1 down 17 to go. Chemo: 3 down 1 to go!
It’s been a hard week. I had my usual, pre-chemo 3 week meeting with another oncologist this past Wednesday because my usual one was on rounds yet again. As she was checking my body, mostly my glands and breasts she casually mentioned if I have thought having my ovaries removed. I didn’t know what she meant, and told her that no one has yet mentioned this and asked her why would I have them removed. She told me that since my estrogen levels were high, that it would mean I would most likely be put on Lupron (the menopause drug that lowers my estrogen) until I go naturally into menopause (I guess when I’m mid 50s?!). We talked a little more about having children post Chemo and was told again that it is risky because it will increase my estrogen levels. She said that I can talk more about this later with my Dr. S (my actual Oncologist)
4
Oct
My ‘what if’ curse
I keep having ‘what if’ moments. What if the Chemo doesn’t work? What if I hadn’t found the cancer? What if the cancer comes back? What if I can’t have children? What if, what if, what if… I think I’m driving G mad. I can’t stop thinking this though, and I’m sure everybody has many ‘what ifs’ in their life. I like to plan and find solutions in my head for all of my what ifs. I guess it helps brings the control somewhat back but I know I can really drive myself (and others) crazy with this. I know that I can’t change anything, and I know I am doing my best and have done just about everything so that these ‘what ifs’ never happen but I still get scared and nervous.
27
Sep
Round 2….over!!!
It’s official. I’m an ebay junkie, an addict to the ‘buy now’ button. I can’t stop buying wigs, hats and now beads. I’m going stir crazy, so I’m making bracelets, necklaces and bookmarks. I also bought a crotchet book and yarn to make my own hats. I’m not so good at teaching myself though, and my hands shake so it might take me awhile to make stuff but at least I’m having fun at it!
18
Sep
Planes and Documentaries
It’s only been a few days of being bald, but I must say that is all it took for me to adapt. I was very sad the first night and day after. Very sad. But than it hit me, it really is just hair! It is a small price to pay for my life. And really, losing my hair means that the Chemo is working! It is doing its job, and I really should be concentrating on that.
12
Sep
Hair today, gone tomorrow.
I’ve never really been a ‘hair’ girl. I mean, I’ve always liked my hair but I’ve never obsessed over it, until now. The past few days, it’s been falling out, but a few strands at a time. Normal like.
Well, until today. Today I would run my hands through it and come out with handfuls of hair. Totally gross, and every-time I would show it to G. “G, look at this! Shoot, it’s coming out”. He eventually told me I didn’t have to show him all the time, that he believed me. I might have grossed him out too.
30
Aug
T minus 2 days
2 more days. I’m getting nervous and scared. I’m worried about the port-a-cath. I’m getting it inserted on Thursday morning, at 7:00 and Chemo is scheduled for 12:30pm. I hate that I have these two scary things on the same day, only a few hours apart! I’m worried about getting sick and my port-a-cath hurting and possibly opening/bleeding. I also think that it is super gross. It really, truly is. They are putting it in through my jugular… yucky. I’ve been reading up on it too much it seems and the more I do the more scared I am. I suppose I may be TOO prepared.
25
Aug
You’re one bad egg
Can I be 13 again? I need to only worry about grades and friendship, how things that use to be so huge in my life seem so stupid and mundane! I’m feeling so overwhelmed. Found out that my eggs are bad today, something about vacuoles . The doctor said it was most likely because of the cancer tests (all that radiation and such) and my stress level. It is so weird to feel completely healthy and normal but have doctors tell you that you are not. He said, “just worry about getting healthy again”. I felt like screaming, but I AM! Of course I am not, Chemo is just a week away. It’s hard to wait for the dreaded poison to be inserted into me. To prepare for when I’m actually sick. I do plan ahead, tell people “oh sorry, I can’t go to your birthday or go out, I’m going to go through Chemo that week and I don’t know how I’ll feel”.
17
Aug
Apricots and Oranges
For the past few days (this will be day 6 actually) I have been taking hormone injections and pills for IVF. The injections have been going alright, a few minor mess ups such as dropping my $250 Puragon serum ( thank god it didn’t break), forgetting to squeeze my stomach fat before and during the injection (big ouch!), and injecting the cat (just kidding). Tomorrow morning, I’ll be starting on a new injection (yay!) that will help release more eggs. I had an ultrasound appointment today to make sure things are progressing. The technician said that they will most likely not see any follicles, but alas they found 3! She said this is a great start 🙂
17
Aug
The power of dreams
This has been both the most amazingly wonderful year of my entire life as well as the toughest. So much has happened, I finally met the man of my dreams, got breast cancer, doing fertility treatments and now…. getting married! I’ve dreampt about this moment my entire life, and I know without a doubt in my mind that G is the one I wan
t to spend the rest of my life with. Happily, he feels the same way (phew 😉 )! I’ve always felt that it has been too easy with him, and well, too good to be true. I actually, at times, thought that he could read my mind (still kind of do as he is so darn in tune to my feelings). I never really believed it could be like this, I didn’t really believe it when people told me that they were totally in love with no doubts, until I met G. I’m so happy that I let myself go with it, trust him (and us!) and really…just love him. He was worth the wait!
10
Aug
Living La Dolca Vita
A lot of things are brewing in the horizon but for now there are clear skies.
19
Jul
Wish all was clear…
I am trying not to let the fire die down on me but some days it’s hard, like today for instance. I have a whole bunch of emotions running through me, mostly sadness and fear.
13
Jul
Zombies! EVERYWHERE!
All right, this is my bitchfest spew of the week. Before this entire cancer nightmare, G and I had hour-long deep conversations about our zombie society. We talked about religion, life after death (or no life) and how almost everybody is asleep. We talked about how people live each day in and day out without thinking, without dreaming, without happiness, without even really seeing. I’ve seen so many people just wake up, go to work, have dinner, watch tv, and then sleep. Talk about autopilot. There is no excitement, no challenge, no change. Most people don’t even remember much of their years. YEARS! I’ve been there. Completely, and some days I’m still there. I know I have to shake myself sometimes. I have to wake myself up, because there really is a beautiful world out there, an exciting and wonderful life all around us, just waiting for us to wake up, grab it and make it our own.
10
Jul
Knowledge is power
I am so itchy, I just want to scratch my stitches off but I can’t even get near them with these stupid bandages. Argh. I found out two things, these past few days since my surgery. I don’t do well with drugs and that G makes an amazing nurse. He helped wash my hair and then changed my horribly disgusting bandages. He watched over me when I was SO sick over the Oxycontin’s and he has fed me and comforted me. Wow, he is so amazing!
Check your boo bees!!
-
SUBSCRIBE
Subscribe via RSS
