I’ve never really thought that much about death and dying before cancer.  When I did think of it, it would make me sad and I would move on with my thoughts.  I think I was too afraid to really think about it, to make my mind go that way.  I’m lucky I suppose, I only know about a handful of people that have died, and although their deaths made me upset, they never really made me think.

Now it seems it is always on my mind.  I worry about it, and then I worry about thinking of it like that somehow me thinking of it will bring it closer.  It’s messed up.  I had my first mammogram post Chemo last Friday and was so scared.  I couldn’t sleep for weeks and had days that I just couldn’t stop crying.  G didn’t know what to do.  Eventually he just let me be, and that is what I needed.  I needed a day of release.  It was therapeutic.

I wonder if other people think about death, or if they are like me before cancer and don’t think about it too deeply.  I suppose it doesn’t matter.  I spend too much of my days in a daze, I guess waiting for the next part of my life to come.  I know I must concentrate on the present more, live in the present. But, really  I just want to be done treatment.   I’m sick of being so tired.  I’m sick of being afraid.  I’m tired of being sick.

I’ve never been a negative person, but lately I’ve been struggling to remain positive.  It seems that my treatment is never ending, the daily pills, the every 3 week infusions…  Just when I begin to feel better, the Herceptin makes me sick again.  My friends are having babies, and I really am SO happy for them.  I just want to move forward too.  I wish I could be pregnant with them.  I wish I didn’t have to wait.  I wish I never had cancer.  I know I must make the best of things, and be thankful for what I do have.  I have great friends, a loving family and an amazing fiance.  Also I should have little time to be depressed when I have a wedding to plan.  I must think good thoughts, change my mood and realize that this soon shall pass.  Only time…