I complain a lot. But mostly in my head. I complain about cancer, the treatments, the pills, and the tests. I like to work things out in my mind, think about things, worry and when all else fails and when I can’t handle it anymore then I talk with others or write it down. I just got a whole bunch off appointments booked. Another Echocardiogram, a Mammogram, blood work, Herceptin, and appointments with Oncologists. The Echocardiogram hurts, they use an ultrasound wand to view my heart, but they have to press hard and sometimes between my ribs. I’m a big baby I know, but I don’t look forward to this test. I’ve been taking Tamoxifen pills for the last 2 months (this pill helps to keep my estrogen levels down) and recently been taking Effexor (an anti-depressant) to help alleviate my hot flashes. I really hope this pill works because my hot-flashes have been terrible and keep me up at night. I joked with my oncologist about the anti-depressant, as I said it probably only makes you happy and so you forget or don’t worry about the stupid hot-flashes. Well, whatever works!
I'll just take the elevator!
My last appointment with Dr. S (my general Oncologist) we discussed (again) about starting a family. I still haven’t got my mensies back (I know too much info…) and I’m worried that the Chemotherapy has put me in permanent menopause. It’s funny, I’ve never wanted my period to come so badly but Dr. S said that as my doctor that she would be happy if it never returned. I understand where she is coming from, as my cancer was made worse (or developed?) by hormones, but it still makes me sad and scared. Would I be better off if it never returns? I guess I just have to wait and see, and continue down the path that I’m taking and try to keep avoiding any potholes and logs in my way. And when the logs or weeds get to large and make it hard to keep going, I must remember there is always another way to continue on, I just have to look for it or even ask for help to get through or over it. I’m finding, with time and patience, that there is no obstacle too challenging to overcome.
It’s okay to complain and worry and all of that. Don’t just keep them inside. I know that people tell you every day that you are beautiful and courageous and an inspiration and it’s okay to not feel any of those. What matters is the beautiful woman we see and you getting stronger each and every day.
With that my friend, you will always have people willing to help you along the rugged path, cheering for you at the finish line and walking next to you while you struggle and taking on some of the burden themselves.
Always thinking of you
xoxox
You are sooooo not a big baby! Pain is pain, worry is worry and you are allowed to experience both and also complain about them both.
I wish we could take some of it away, it seems like an awful lot to rest on one set of shoulders. Please remember to lean on anyone and everyone. You’re loved you know!
Sandra
Mary, you’re amazing, and I so admire your attitude and persistence!! I think of you often, though terrible about writing…Just wanted to let you know that I was on Tamoxifen for about 4 1/2 years, and I had terrible hot flashes too until I switched to taking it in the morning instead of just before I went to bed. That made a huge difference. Also, I realized that my hot flashes definitely coincided with my level of anxiety. So, when I’d get a wave of hot flash I would try to figure out what I had been thinking about just before then and would try to de-stress and then breathe through the heat wave. Hopefully some of these tips help you! Also, I didn’t menstruate while on Tamoxifen, but it came back once I was done, so that might happen for you as well. Love to you from your cousin Isabel