I’ve always had trouble with saying the right things to people when they are either sick, have family that is or had someone close to them pass away. I usually say how sorry I am and hope that they get better soon and or something in those lines. I always feel awkward and end up replaying what I have said over and over in my head hoping it was alright. That being said, I understand that others don’t know what to say to me.
I’ve be
en getting a lot of how lucky I am. I know I’ve written about this before, but I’m doing it again because I really want to stress how ‘unlucky’ I feel and how upset it makes me. Lucky usually means something good, and there is nothing, NOTHING good about cancer. The only thing that is remotely good about it is the ‘awaking’ part…but I’m sure not everybody who battles cancer reacts the same way that I have. I know I’m being quite bitchy, but I know that before I had it I would not know how to react or what to say to someone. The biggest thing that has been happening a lot recently with new people is that they bring up people they know who have died from cancer. I usually say “wow, that’s really sad” and move the conversation away from the topic. It upsets me, I know that a lot of people die from cancer but that is also my fear and as much as I care I don’t really want to know that your sister has been battling breast cancer for 10 years and now is giving up and dying or that your great aunt died of breast cancer or your step mom had a terrible time of it and it ended up coming back in her lungs and she died. Having said that, mostly everybody I meet and ALL my friends and family know exactly what to say and always say something that makes me feel better.
I’ve been feeling really rough lately, and a little depressed. Next week is my last Chemo round and I’m feeling scared and anxious about it working. I understand that this fear is not rational but I am just really very worried. I am happy that this is my last Chemo round but I still have 17 more rounds of Herceptin every 3 weeks, and a full month of radiation everyday. Herceptin scares me, the major side effect is cold and flu symptoms which I can definitely handle (hmmmm….maybe I don’t have a cold now and it’s just the side effects?) but it also can hurt the heart which concerns me. I get my heart checked every 3 months because of this which should help with my anxiety.
I know this experience has made me stronger. It is defiantly a part of my life (hopefully a small part) that I will never forget. I have talked to other ‘survivors’ and that is one question that I always ask. Will I always be afraid? The answer is always the same. Yes and No. The fear will slowly diminish, but I will never take my health for granted. I am SO thankful for all the support I’ve received and still so amazed with all the love that people have. You are ALL so amazing and wonderful, I hope you all realize this because this is the absolute truth. I think this is easier to forget (which is so very sad) how important you are to someone, how just a little love and support goes so far. Everybody deserves a huge pat on the back, a great meal and a giant hug! I can’t say thank you enough!
I don’t think you’re being bitchy at all. I think you’re allowed to express anything and everything that courses through you.
I can’t even imagine all that you’re feeling and you’ve been incredibly honest with your journey so far. Thank you for sharing all that you’re going through.
Please try to go easy on yourself.
Well, my best friend has cancer you see…and some days I don’t see the good in it either. I think it’s a dreadful path that many are thrown on at random without a roadmap. And it’s a path that no one deserves. But when I look at my friend and read her words, I am reminded of her strength and love. Mostly I am reminded of how lucky I am to have her in my life. She writes of this “awakening”, but she’s always been awake. She has always given more than she has received; she has always been kind and generous beyond words. And now, well, perhaps her eyes are open a wee bit wider, but I want her to know that she has always inspired and supported me to be a better person. It’s now time for her friends and family to inspire and support her. I wish that instead of complaining of mundane things that they are unwilling to change, that people would take a hard look around them and to how lucky they are. As you said, instead of focusing on the thorns, maybe we should appreciate the roses.
Your fears are very normal. If you were not somewhat fearful you’d be brain dead.I know a great many people who have gone through this or who are now going through this. And yes, they all have had their bitchy moments. I think your experiences are very normal.
I think you are very open and aware of where you are with this illness and this is a big part of getting totally well again. People who keep their heads in the sand or who cannot or will not communicate their feelings are not helping their bodies to get well. We are a body/mind/Spirit combination and the body has the densest energy so is easily programed by fear or other negativities. But it is also very easily programed by all the positivities one can manage. Staying in the NOW MOMENT helps immeasurably with this process. This is of course easier said than done. It is the crux of meditation.But believe me, it is doable and the end results are VERY much worth the constant energy put into this attitude. I am constantly working with this and have eliminated several illness as a result. At almost 75 I am an example of what can be done with consistent practice. This is not to say I’ll live forever, but I am living pretty joyfully despite osteo (old age) arthritis and failing eyesight.Just when I am finally free of the many years of Eldercare of two very needy selfish people,(you know who I mean) and finally having my own life to embrace what is truly MY life,-Music and Composition- arthritis is making my hands fairly useless re: piano playing, etc.. Thank God for notation software.But everything we truly desire CAN be done if we’re inventive enough. Mind over matter is the key. My Yogic path is RAJA Yoga,mind over matter, and believe me it works. You have a strong mind and otherwise healthy body. I feel quite strongly that you are going fully to overcome this thing.The big thing is not to get on your own case but let yourself accept your feelings, good, bad and indifferent as they come up.Your reactions thus far are very normal.
We will continue to sing (send healing energy) for you.This is a very effective way to work with people. Hang in there and accept yourself where you are.
Love, Your “old” Aunt,
Kanta
Mary my friend, fear is definitely rational here…bitchy is definitely warranted, depressed most certainly expected. If you didn’t have these feelings I would have to think you were an alien or something lol. You just stay strong my friend. You keep fighting the courageous fight as you have been doing and if ever you want to scream ”TAKE A F*CKING FLYING FLIP OFF A SHORT BRIDGE” well you just scream it because that would be understandable too. In fact it just might help so go ahead, the next time you’re at Centennial come on in and scream at me, no wait scream at Julie lol. We luv ya, we’re here for ya. Just ”Journey On” my friend, ”Journey On”.♥♥♥
Mary, Mary…the words above are so truthful and meaningful and carry on everything that you are so beautifully. Your journey is making us richer, in every step of the way. You are this rounded human being with fears, doubts, and most importantly hope and the will to get this through. A little step at a time will get you a long way. ♥♥♥
Of course you have all these feelings and being able to express them is key. You have shown me what it is to be couragious. Take comfort in knowing you are teaching us how to LIVE.
Queen Mum, you are quite simply a lovely lady.
I’m not going to lie, I haven’t commented on any of your posts precisely because I didn’t want to say the wrong thing (and after reading this, the wrong thing is EXACTLY what I would have said!). But I’ve been following your journey, and I am awestruck by how brave and positive you are about this really shitty deal. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.