I’ve been wanting to write about this for a while, but have been quite afraid of what others will think of me.  Now, I kind of made a pack to myself that I will say what’s on my mind, and if people don’t want to read it, then so be it.  I’ve lost my faith, any and every belief in the ever after, the spirit world, and all things ‘eternal’.  I don’t want people to think that this is a ‘phase’ I’m going through or that I’ve just lost hope because I have done a lot of soul searching and researching because of the hope I have and I really truly wish that I could still believe.

To be honest, it frightens me.  I am scared of dying, of the unknown.  Before I was diagnosed with Cancer I spoke with my family doctor because of insomnia, I told him that I was losing Faith and didn’t know what to do.  I told him I was scared and would stay awake at night thinking “if there is no God what happens next?”  He told me that everyone goes through this, and that it will get better.  I will find my way.  I must say I have, although it may not be the way that I would like to go.

I feel like Mulder as I truly want to believe.  I’ve read countless books, articles, and have even gone to support groups.  This is not something I’ve taken lightly.  It seems I’ve become too knowledgeable and have no way of turning things around.  So I’ve decided to embrace it, and try not be so afraid anymore.  This is my wake up call, this life really matters as I believe that it is the only one I will ever have.  I must make this count.  Once I realized this, everything was clearer.  The sky was bluer, the people around me nicer, everything was sharper.  More true.  I have more respect for life, all life.  To me, there are no second chances, no ever after and that is scary but I’m glad I’ve realized it now so that I can cherish life and all that comes with it.

And if wrong? Well, how great would that be!