These past couple days have been a whirlwind of emotions, both good and bad.  I had a pre-op at the hospital yesterday which lasted around 3 hours.  We talked with a nurse about what my surgery will be like (a very long day is seems) and I found out that I will have green urine for at least 7 – 10 days.  Oh the things to look forward to.  I also found out that post-surgery I will no longer be able to have blood drawn, give blood, or have my blood pressure taken from my right arm again.  That seriously sucks for me, and I almost cried because it hurts so bad out of my left arm.  The nurse said it was because of my previous break (in the elbow) and that there is nothing that they can do.  Oh well, c’est la vie.

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My right ovary was found!  Apparently it was never missing just really small, my left one is small too.  I suppose I just have child-sized ovaries; who would have thought?  G says I could compensate for my small ovaries with a faster,  more powerful car.

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Happy summer solstice! As the longest day of the year, it was also the most exhausting.  Got a lot accomplished but didn’t realize before today that my right ovary was missing.  How does one lose one without knowing it?  Not to worry, the technician said my left one was in fine form and would do the business of two.  Hopefully she is right, as I don’t really want (or need) anything else to worry about.

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Yesterday was a good day.  I hardly thought about the cancer.  I needed to get things done around the house and take care of things.  G and I are thinking of buying a house, our dream house.  It doesn’t look like it will work out but we have other plans.  We will make other plans. and dream other dreams.  We are happy and know that whatever we do,  we will do it together and things will work out.  It may not be as we planned but maybe that is better.  Sometimes it’s more fun to fly by the seat of your pants.  I spent the evening with my friends (my best friends) and it was wonderful to just relax and be stupid.  Friends are the most important part of life, well love actually is and I feel all full up.

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It was a busy day yesterday.  G and I had a meeting at the fertility clinic first thing in the morning.  We had some questions answered and surprisingly started the process.  It looks like they will do embryo freezing but there is much to do to get this done.

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Yesterday I went to the pharmacy to pick up some muscle relaxants.  My body has not felt the same since the day of my ultrasound and mammogram over a week ago.   My body aches; my back and shoulder are sore and my chest is so tight.  I feel like my heart hurts and my lungs hurt.  I’m scared and worried that there is something else wrong but L and G assure me that it’s just the anxiety.  G reminds me that I already have 1 cancer that I can’t be selfish and claim another.

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I woke up feeling a bit better.  Knowing that I had a full day to get use to this ‘cancer’ diagnosis and nothing really planned to do other than get my nails done.  I woke up at 6am, really tired, but not able to fall back to sleep because I wanted to write things down.  I worried about work.  Am I able to take time off?  Can I afford to take off the time I need to get the help I need?  I called human resources and the woman I talked to assured me that someone would call me back on Monday and gave me a sheet to give my doctor to fill out.  I looked at it but I don’t think that he can answer it fully yet because there is so much that is unknown.   I hate this.  I want the answers right away but have to wait and do all these tests.

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Today I had my appointment with my surgeon Dr. L to find out if I had cancer.  When I got there, I noticed an older gentleman on the elevator up to the breast clinic.  I wondered if this could be my surgeon and scanned his demeanor and facial expressions.  When we walked in the receptionist greeted him “good morning Dr. L” and he walked on back.  The week long wait had been making me paranoid and when I checked in I studied the receptionist face as well as she looked at my file.  I was looking for signs, of pity or really just anything, I felt like I was going crazy with worry.

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